


Vespa Ilkay and the Railbird's Gamble

by entropyre, stubborn_jerk



Series: Reverse AU [3]
Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alcohol, Betaed, Canon Rewrite, Car Chases, Episode: s01e14-15 Juno Steel and the Train from Nowhere, F/F, Flirting, Gambling, Innuendo, Multi, Nosebleed, Other, Screenplay/Script Format, To Podfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29073819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/entropyre/pseuds/entropyre, https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubborn_jerk/pseuds/stubborn_jerk
Summary: She arrived in the night: Buddy Aurinko, the woman who got away, the thief Vespa Ilkay couldn’t catch.Leading up to that night, things had been so simple: solving crimes, chasing after a killer with an eye for Ancient Martian artifacts, and scouring every case for a chance sighting of the master thief.With Buddy, though, things never happened on chance. Vespa was just lucky. Buddy had a case where she presented that she had the only lead on the killer. She knows exactly what plans to take next, and according to her, the killer's after something very big, and very dangerous this time.According to Buddy, anyway.But the question remains: can Vespa trust Buddy Aurinko?
Relationships: Buddy Aurinko/Vespa Ilkay, Vespa Ilkay & Jet Sikuliaq
Series: Reverse AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2133048
Comments: 8
Kudos: 7





	1. The Counterfeit Ace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Detective Ilkay’s been known to keep odd company, but even by her standards her guest this week is unexpected. On this job she's agreed to work with Buddy Aurinko, the master thief who’s betrayed her once in the past, and about whom Detective Ilkay holds very, let's say, _volatile_ feelings.
> 
> But our detective has no choice. There’s an even more dangerous criminal on the prowl, a woman with her eye on a very special train, and the ancient weapon that lies within it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very brief but nonetheless incredibly grateful shout-out to our beta [North](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Northisnotup) who gave us invaluable advice for the post-liveread, pre-publishing part of this script. Her advice was key in making this tale be the best it could be. Thank you.

**PART 1**

SOUND: DOOR OPENS. BELL RINGS. 

MUSIC: STARTS.

SOUND: KEYS JANGLING. 

CONCIERGE: Ah, good evening, traveler. Welcome to the Penumbra. A bit of a disclaimer before we enter, Traveler. Some scenes from the following story we are about to witness might give you pause.

SOUND: KNOCKING ON A DOOR. CARDS SHUFFLING; FEEDBACK WHINE.

Oh, what luck! Sounds like the Detective is in. Come, Traveler. Come with me into room V1113.

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING OPEN.

Vespa Ilkay and the Railbird’s Gamble.

Scene 1

SOUND: MUFFLED CAR ENGINE NOISE.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Mars is dry as hell.

Dry enough that you could drive out into the middle of nowhere and find nothing but red sand for miles and miles.

For a couple of ‘em, we did that in silence, which was probably a huge effort for the person sitting next to me.

BUDDY: You must want a better explanation than what measly amount I’ve given you.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Like I said, a huge effort.

Buddy Aurinko, formerly known as Agent Eos Atoll- she turned out to be Vicky’s only contact in this whole Ancient Martian mess. Lucky for me since I only really got in on this Ancient Martian mess to look for Buddy.

BUDDY: (PAUSE, THEN, CHEEKILY) Oh, come now, Detective. You aren't still mad about that whole sorry mess with the mask, are you?

VESPA: Weren’t you gonna give me a better explanation?

BUDDY: Well—

SOUND: CAR SLOWS DOWN TO A STOP.

VESPA: We’re here.

BUDDY: Oh. (BEAT, DELIGHTED) I’d forgotten how incredibly efficient you can be, Detective.

SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING. BEHIND IT, STRONG WINDS.

VESPA (NARRATOR): According to her, we were after something new that her boss wanted: another Martian artifact or whatever. I didn’t really care about what the hell it was or what it could do but—

SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING. BEHIND IT, STRONG WINDS.

BUDDY: The Egg of Purus.

VESPA: (NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS AND THINKING BUDDY’S HAVING A STROKE) What.

BUDDY: (SLOWLY, LIKE IN A SCI-FI TRAILER) It’s the final artifact my employer needs to complete her arsenal for destroying the world.

VESPA: Be serious.

BUDDY: Oh, darling, I’m as serious as a heart attack. Or brain cancer. Or radiation poisoning. Whichever is more serious to you.

VESPA: Fuck you.

BUDDY: Why, Vespa! If you wanted to pick things off where we left them back at your apartment, you needn’t have given _Victoria_ a call first-

VESPA: Alright. That’s it, get out of my car—

BUDDY: (PETTY LITTLE LAUGH) Oh, you really can’t take a joke, Cassandra was right.

VESPA: You think this is funny? I haven’t slept a wink, in case you haven’t noticed. I’ve been on a case since yesterday morning, and then you go and break into my apartment to drag me out here and make me the butt of all your jokes when I—

BUDDY: Oh, I just needed you to lighten up a bit before I brought the mood back down, that’s all. It really is terrible news. I, myself, have lost sleep thinking about it, and you _know_ how terribly I need my beauty sleep.

VESPA: (GROWLS)

BUDDY: Well. Alright, then. If you insist on being that way.

I was serious, you know. The Egg of Purus is a bomb wielding enough power to wipe out the entirety of life on Mars as we know it. I’ve had you drive us out here, in the middle of nowhere, to even begin to get to that bomb.

With me so far?

VESPA: You haven’t gone anywhere.

BUDDY: Just making sure we’re both at the station. You see, that bomb is held within one of the most secure vaults in the galaxy. And it’ll be passing by us right about…

SOUND: A TRAIN GOING BY, ECHOING FOR A TIME.

Now.

VESPA: (BEAT) So, you were saying?

BUDDY: (A LITTLE ANNOYED BY THE FACT THAT VESPA DOESN’T SEEM EVEN THE LEAST BIT IMPRESSED) That, dear, was the Utgard Express. What lies within it is about a thousand and one terrible things that could very well bring about another intergalactic war— so people, in their right minds, have locked it up. The Egg of Purus just happens to be that plus one.

VESPA: And now we’re breaking in to get it.

BUDDY: Precisely.

VESPA: Why are you doing this?

BUDDY: Doing what?

VESPA: You’re getting paid to steal it, aren’t you? Why do you care so much? Just steal it and go.

BUDDY: (SCOFF)

(HEATED, A BIT FLUSTERED AND FLABBERGASTED THAT VESPA WOULD EVEN SAY THAT) You mean aside from the fact that she’s about to wipe out an entire planet’s population? Vespa darling, I know we’ve had our differences, but for you to even consider that I’d just—

VESPA: And why the hell should I believe you?

BUDDY: (DEEP BREATH) First of all, that is rude. If you wanted to ask me a question, you could have at least pretended to have the courtesy to wait for me to finish answering it.

Secondly, though I hired your services, you, though unconventionally, called me first. And as hilarious as you think I am, Vespa, there’s not much material in mass genocides- I can assure you, this is the furthest possible thing from a practical joke.

And lastly, all of this is based on research.

VESPA: (DRILY) None of which you did, I take it.

BUDDY: (NOT AT ALL OFFENDED) I take offense to that. I stole her research and studied it as much as I could.

VESPA: Whose.

BUDDY: Oh, you wouldn’t know her, darling. I doubt you run the same circles, seeing as you were in medicine and she—

VESPA: Oh, just spit it out, already.

BUDDY: Miasma. Her name is Miasma, she’s—

VESPA: A xenoanthropologist from Olympus U. She worked there for fifty years, got a bunch of awards and then disappeared.

BUDDY: There you go again, cutting me off. Yes, thank you, you’ve proven that you’ve done your own research, brava.

VESPA: (AMUSED) She was still teaching and doing seminars when I graduated years ago.

That, and I actually looked up as much as I could about these stupid artifacts because people who had them kept dying and getting stolen from.

It’s how we met, remember?

BUDDY: (PAUSE, THEN WISTFUL, LIKE SHE’S FORGOTTEN HERSELF) … Yes. And I find I can’t quite forget the events of our meeting, I’m afraid. It all just seems so… so…

MUSIC: STARTS

VESPA (NARRATOR): She was leaning in. Or I was leaning in. At that moment, it felt like there was black hole in the center console pulling us both in with no way to stop it.

I… I dunno.

I hadn’t really slept, so maybe I was just getting a bit lightheaded.

But her lips were parted, and her eyes were lidded, and that cologne— god, that cologne—

No. No, dammit Vespa, we are not going through this! Not again.

I wasn’t going to fall for her bullshit, wide-eyed act again, not after last time. Not after—

VESPA: (SNEEZES, TWICE)

BUDDY: Ah. Well—

VESPA: (SOFTLY) So how.

BUDDY: Pardon?

VESPA: (A LITTLE LOUDER) How are we getting on the train? You haven’t told me anything about that yet.

BUDDY: (BEAT) Oh. (RECOVERING, A LITTLE FLUSTERED, MAYBE DISAPPOINTED?) Oh, well, I’ll set up the next location, then.

SOUND: BEEPING. BUDDY SETS UP THE GPS.

I hope you’re in the mood to gamble, darling. We’re heading to the Oasis Casino Resort. You’ll see when we get there.

SOUND: CAR STARTS. VESPA STARTS DRIVING. ALL SOUNDS FADE.

VESPA (NARRATOR): We pulled up to Oasis, a looming green tower in the red, red sands. The place didn’t look like a casino but coming from me, that didn’t say much. I’d never been to one before, and I hadn’t planned to. But if you place your bets on someone like Buddy Aurinko, you better be prepared to fold, ‘cuz the odds are stacked against you from the start.

Speaking of, Buddy’s plan was probably already in motion, though she’d only told me less than half of it. It was incredible how much she could talk without saying a single word that meant something.

She pointed me towards the parking garage and told me to stop the car.

BUDDY: We’re pressed for time, so I’m going ahead. I’ll check in and start looking for Engstrom.

VESPA: Like… Brock Engstrom? The jewel thief?

BUDDY: Please. Retired jewel thief. These days the only crime Engstrom’s guilty of is overcharging for his ridiculous “seminars in motivation.” Absolutely dreadful.

VESPA: The hell we need to talk to a pickpocket like him for then?

BUDDY: I wouldn’t even give Engstrom the honor of calling him a “pickpocket” anymore, darling. He did all of his best work decades ago, if it can even be called that, and now that the statute of limitations has run out he’s milking those stories for every cred they’re worth- all while being insufferably smug about it. As if he isn’t the thousandth half-rate cutpurse to think of that.

VESPA: But—

BUDDY: Oh, I almost forgot! You’ll need these.

SOUND: RUSTLING PAPERS.

VESPA: Registration… Is this a ring? Oh. (SCOFF) Do I look like the marrying type?

And what the hell kind of name is Luna Rose?

BUDDY: Oh, don’t be difficult, darling. I already had my alias ironed out, and yours simply had to fit the theme. Besides, not every name can have such an interesting origin as “Vespa.”

SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENING.

Cheers, Luna dearest. I’ll see you in room one-one-thirteen.

SOUND: CAR DOOR CLOSING.

VESPA: Typical. (INCOHERENT GRUMBLING)

SOUND: ALL SOUNDS FADE.

SOUND: BACKGROUND NOISES OF A CROWD. 

VESPA (NARRATOR): The paperwork checked out– even the fake driver’s license she gave went through their system without complaint. But it took me nearly half an hour of dodging drunk dumbasses to find our room.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING, CLOSING. BACKGROUND NOISES FADE. 

VESPA: Hello? Atoll? Aurinko? Hell, I dunno, Rose?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

The hell is… (SIGH) Great. Of course.

SOUND: PAPER RUSTLING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): There was a note by the phone. It read, “Off to find Engstrom. Will call. Miss you already! –Lux Rose.”

I knew Buddy had written it. It was even signed with a lipstick stain as red as her hair.

Typical.

I’d received a note from her once before, which I’d read a... few times. Threw it away once and went crawling through a goddamned dumpster to get it back.

The vents coughed up a breeze and a shadow rustled in the corner. I jumped, reached for my knife. Then I saw that it was just a coat.

Buddy’s coat.

SOUND: RUSTLING AND CLINKING.

I’ve always thought it pays to be paranoid. Sure, doesn’t always pay well, and most of the time it doesn’t pay at all, but when it does, you’re gonna be grateful for it. So I started through her pockets.

One of my knives. A matchbook from the front desk. Another bottle of cognac. Where did she even keep getting these?

(RUSTLING CONTINUES) Christ, she kept a lot of junk in there. Get a purse, Aurinko.

A lockpick in a hand mirror. A camera hidden in an earring. Bottomless. Endless. Then, tucked in a hidden pocket inside the left breast, I found them instead.

SOUND: CRUMPLING PAPER.

Notes. Dozens of them. Crumpled into tiny little balls, with dozens of paragraphs in scrawls and scribbled out sentences.

Reading them felt like looking into her head. I shoved them in my pocket and with it, the feeling that I was invading her privacy by doing this.

But hell, it was better than nothing–

SOUND: PHONE RINGING.

VESPA: (YELP)

SOUND: PHONE BEEPS.

What?

BUDDY: Ah, my moonlight, you found the room after all. Marvelous!

VESPA: Moonlight? Now that’s cheesy, even for you.

BUDDY: Well, dear, I think I still have a few pills in my purse if you’re still suffering the wrath of grapes! I told you about Mr. Engstrom, yes? (PAUSE) He says a game has just opened up and I’ll need you down here immediately.

VESPA: (CONFUSED NOISE, THEN:) Ah. I get it.

You sound like you’ve got it under control. What’s so important that I gotta be there?

BUDDY: I’m just the good luck charm, Luna. Yours, if I remember our vows correctly. If I could have done this without you, I would have left you at home.

VESPA: (SIGH) Fine. I’m on my way. What room?

BUDDY: Oh, one of Mr. Engstrom’s friends will be by to help you any moment now. Can’t have you getting lost.

SOUND: KNOCKING.

Ah, that must be her. Don’t keep us waiting. Oh, and do wear that suit I love so much, will you? I hung it in the closet for you.

VESPA: The wh-

SOUND: CLOSET DOOR OPENING.

BUDDY: Don’t say I never get you anything, darling. See you soon!

SOUND: PHONE BEEPS. 

VESPA:(SIGH. MORE UNINTELLIGIBLE GRUMBLING)

SOUND: ALL SOUNDS FADE.

Scene 2

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. MUFFLED VOICES.

VALENCIA: Mr. Engstrom’s private room is just at the end of this hall.

VESPA: (MUFFLED, AS IF SHE’S COVERING HER NOSE AND MOUTH) You really shouldn’t be smoking, y’know. Doctor’s orders.

VALENCIA: I didn’t ask for a second opinion. Learn to live with it, hon.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

BUDDY: Luna! There you are!

VESPA: (STRAINED) Hi… babe.

ENGSTROM: Thank you, Valencia. Luna Rose. (SARCASTIC) Your husband’s told me so much about you. Have a seat, please.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Didn’t seem to me like Engstrom needed to overcharge on those seminars. The rings weighing down his wrinkled, shaking fingers looked expensive enough as it is, obviously there to make a statement. Or cause arthritis.

And, great, another smoker. Better quality cigar than the chintzy little thing his “friend” was smoking, though.

She was the first thing that worried me: Valencia. Exactly the kind of person I’d have bought a drink somewhere sometime 10 years ago. She looked like a lounge singer, all snaky neck and eyes too far apart- not like a bodyguard at all.

I didn’t like that.

ENGSTROM: Valencia, if you would.

VALENCIA: Yes, Mr. Engstrom.

SOUND: CARDS START SHUFFLING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): The second thing that worried me was that the cards being set up on that table looked a little too familiar.

Suddenly, Buddy mentioning good luck charms made sense.

ENGSTROM: The game your husband and I have agreed upon takes some time to prepare, so let’s get to know each other a bit, shall we? Drink?

VESPA: Pass. I’m still hungover. And Lux here drinks more than enough for the both of us anyway.

SOUND: CHAIR CREAKING. POURING.

ENGSTROM: Lux was just telling me, Luna, that you two lifted the Coveter’s Jewel during its museum tour in the Outer Rim.

VESPA: Sounds like Lux.

BUDDY: I’m honestly surprised word about the Jewel hasn’t yet made its way to Mars. It was a very big job on the Outer Rim, you know.

ENGSTROM: The Outer Rim is a very small pond, Rose. Your whales hardly rank for minnows here.

BUDDY: How aptly you’ve put it, Mr. Engstrom, because that’s just how we were feeling! It’s why we thought we ought to sell that rock and use the cash to go after something really exciting. And that’s when we stumbled upon… _well._

ENGSTROM: Plans to stop the Utgard Express. If you don’t mind my asking, Mr. Rose: if you can stop that train, what are you doing here? You should be out there, looting to your heart’s content.

VESPA: Was just wondering the same thing.

BUDDY: Well, there is, of course, the Utgard security team. If there’s any sign the train has stopped, within sixty seconds we’d be practically drowning in guards– and that’s not nearly enough time to get what we need. But you, Mr. Engstrom– I hear you know how to get on that train without alerting security.

ENGSTROM: And so here we are. You can stop the train, but not board it; I can board the train, but can’t leave once I’ve done so. Each of us has information the other needs, but cannot allow the others to learn.

This would be an impasse… were it not for our game. The most complicated game in the galaxy, they say.

VESPA: Only losers say that back on Ranga, which was why the old man always lost to me.

ENGSTROM: Ah, I wasn’t aware your wife was a native, Mr. Rose! Yes, we are indeed playing Rangian Street Poker. A game of wagers where the stakes don’t come in creds, but rather… questions. Information.

SOUND: BELL DING.

VALENCIA: The game is ready, Mr. Engstrom.

VESPA: No need to get pretentious. I’ve been playing street poker since I was old enough to shuck swamp oysters with my eyes closed.

BUDDY: Oh, and around what age was that, darling? I feel like I learn new things about you every day— it’s all very exciting!

VESPA: (UNAMUSED) Eight.

BUDDY: (BREAK) Well.

(IT’S NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR WHETHER OR NOT SHE TRULY DOESN’T KNOW THE GAME, OR IF IT’S JUST A PART OF HER BIMBO ACT) Could we talk our way through the first hand, then? We were a bit too… preoccupied, during the honeymoon for card games, and I’m afraid I’m not entirely familiar with this one just yet.

ENGSTROM: If you insist. Your Ask, Rose.

BUDDY: I didn’t take you to be a generous man, Mr. Engstrom! Isn’t that nice of him, darling?

VESPA: Yeah, reaaal nice. So, _babe_ , one of us asks a question to start the round. Let’s start with… I’ll give it to you, what do you wanna ask?

BUDDY: (ALL BUSINESS) How do we board the Utgard Express?

ENGSTROM: (SIGH) The game’s not ending that quickly.

VESPA: So he Counters with his own question, and if I agree, we play a hand to see which of us gets an answer. The Counter-Asker can’t refuse the question; only the Asker can turn down the round.

ENGSTROM: Like so: how do I stop the Utgard Express?

VESPA: Then I’ll pass.

BUDDY: So if he doesn’t like your question, he has to ask something you don’t want to answer?

ENGSTROM: Just so.

Ah, I nearly forgot. One last matter of business: in a game where each player stakes the truth, we must, of course, address the punishment for lying. And so, let us discuss your… collateral _._

VESPA: It’s just poker, pal, quit being dramatic. Look, it’s ‘if I lie, you kill me; if you lie, I kill you.’

BUDDY: Oh my. I hope you mean that metaphorically.

VESPA: (SNORT) It’s fine. Only liars die in this game, isn’t that right, Engstrom?

ENGSTROM: Certainly. How good to know I’m playing with an experienced woman.

Detective Ilkay, would you mind passing me that deck?

VESPA: Valencia put one right next to your- What did you just call me?

ENGSTROM: Oh, have I let something slip? (LAUGH)

BUDDY: Well. I take it that changes things, then?

ENGSTROM: Not if the Detective’s skills are as up to par as she says they are. (CHUCKLE) Did you really think I’d clear out my afternoon for a couple of yokels claiming they can stop the Utgard Express? These streets runneth over with people who think they’ve solved that train. Hobbyists and lunatics and liars, the Utgard Express draws them all… and usually to my doorstep.

BUDDY: Yet you’ve made time for us. Why are we any different?

ENGSTROM: Before I play with anyone I have their name and address on file – the surveillance system in the front lobby takes care of that for me. Thus, should the terms of honesty within our game be violated… I know exactly where to collect my collateral.

You, however, Mr. Rose… we couldn’t find you anywhere.

BUDDY: Have you ever thought of looking into prescription lenses, Brock? I believe that in your advanced age you haven’t nearly been looking hard enough! Of course I exist— (DRAMATIC PAUSE) I’m right here, aren’t I, Vespa?

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

VESPA: (SCOFF) Really?

ENGSTROM: There’s nothing wrong with the system, Mr. Rose. And besides, that wasn’t even my final point.

VESPA: Get to it quicker. We have a game to play, remember?

ENGSTROM: (PAUSE) If I can’t find you when your lies reveal themselves, you’re hardly motivated to tell the truth.

BUDDY: Ah. So you’ll need a life you can take. Someone you can find.

SOUND: SHIFTING IN SEATS.

VESPA: What, I already bet my life and I’m the one playing. What are we looking at me for?

BUDDY: That’s because he’ll be asking you questions about me, darling. And if you lie about that, they’re going to kill…

VESPA: (ANNOYED) Me, those are the rules. And that doesn’t make sense. Who’s to say you haven’t lied to me either?

BUDDY: Where’s your tact, darling? It seems that you’ve misplaced it. I wouldn’t go so far as to double-cross you in the solace of your home, much less in front of our colleagues here.

VESPA: Yeah, like I’d believe that.

VESPA (NARRATOR): She gave me this look. It wasn’t much— barely a side-eye, really, a glance. But it traveled between me and Engstrom and suddenly, I understood what she was playing at.

She hadn’t lied to me. Her name was Buddy Aurinko, some intergalactic gentleman thief playing at heroics that I’ve seen only headlines about. Only right then, she was Lux Rose, Luna Rose’s husband, and both realities were true.

Right then, Buddy Aurinko-as-Lux Rose was making a point to play up my skepticism in front of Engstrom— a trick before the card game even began.

I was sure of it. I wasn’t sure how but between that glance and the words that came after, I was sure that Buddy had a plan and all I had to do was play by it.

I didn’t like how easily I trusted that thought. It made my head spin.

That could easily have just been the smoke, though.

BUDDY: Fallacies don’t count when you don’t know that they’re fallacies in the first place, darling.

VESPA: Two wrongs don’t make a right, Lux. And again, (TO ENGSTROM) those aren’t the rules.

ENGSTROM: Yes, but that doesn’t give our Mr. Rose any stakes, Detective. This, on the other hand, will. Valencia, what was it on her file?

VALENCIA: Jet Sikuliaq, Mr. Engstrom.

ENGSTROM: Ah, yes, Jet Sikuliaq! The Unnatural Disaster. You’re brilliant, Valencia. Simply brilliant. We know where to find him. And if ever we find that Detective Ilkay has lied for you, she’ll know never to play with you again.

VESPA: (GENUINELY UPSET) … This is bullshit.

BUDDY: (STRAINED LAUGH) Kill the Unnatural Disaster? You? Between the deterioration of your reputation and the shaking of your hands, Brock, you’d be a lot more likely to kill me from boredom first.

ENGSTROM: (CHUCKLE) Don’t be ridiculous. I want to work with him, not kill him. Put him in a few seminars and that’s the remainder of my retirement secured.

VESPA: Good luck with getting him out of Hyperion, then. Or making it one step into it. ‘Sides, I thought you said we were playing Standard rules. Either kill the opposing player or don’t play at all.

BUDDY: We accept.

VESPA: (UNDER HER BREATH) You wanna play this game instead? Because I’m not gonna–

BUDDY: You are “gonna” have to, whether you like it or not, Vespa. Remember the stakes.

ENGSTROM: (CHUCKLE) Well. Now that that’s settled… let’s play. It is my turn to ask. What planet were you born on, Rose?

VESPA: (SCOFF, THEN, BORED) How do you have access to the Oasis’s security footage?

ENGSTROM: I accept. Let’s play.

SOUND: BELL DING. CARD SHUFFLING NOISES AS VESPA SPEAKS.

VESPA (NARRATOR): It was slow-going at first which, for all my big talk, was kinda nice. I haven’t picked up a deck of cards since I graduated, and though the basics stuck, the tricks take a bit longer to remember.

Before I knew it, the round was already almost over. I was down to fourteen cards and I’d have put down five more when Engstrom asked for Creek in the next set.

But then…

ENGSTROM: Detective Ilkay, if you insist that we play by Standard Variations, I’m afraid you’ll have to hold up your cards like so.

VESPA: Don’t remember that from literally any card game ever. Keep playing and mind your own cards.

ENGSTROM: It’s just the principle of the thing.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I glanced over at Buddy, about to tell her to just get this over with, but I saw something from the side of my eye.

Valencia, by the door behind me, smoking her damn cigarette. I couldn’t help it.

VESPA: (LAUGH) That got anything to do about your bodyguard seeing my cards from where she’s standing behind me?

SOUND: CARDS FLIPPING, TURNING IN SEAT.

Here, Valencia, can you see them now? That clear enough for ya?

VALENCIA: Yes.

BUDDY: Careful, darling. As much as I appreciate your abrasive wit I’m afraid this time the stakes are a tad higher if Brock here decides he doesn’t like your tone.

ENGSTROM: … I’ll pretend that didn’t just happen if you cooperate, Detective. You just need to hold up your cards.

VESPA: (IGNORING ENGSTROM TO FLIRT WITH BUDDY) A hypocrite and a narc. Old habits die hard, eh, Agent? Fine.

SOUND: RUSTLING AS SHE RAISES HER CARDS. CARDS SHUFFLING.

ENGSTROM: Thank you. Rapids.

VESPA: Concourse.

ENGSTROM: North or South?

VESPA: West.

ENGSTROM: Reveal.

VESPA (NARRATOR): And well, there it was. Engstrom had a pair of aces. I had a two of clubs and a picture of a goat. Easy first game.

Not that it meant anything.

SOUND: BELL DING. CARDS RIPPING.

BUDDY: I knew you had a bit of a competitive streak, darling, but I didn’t take you for a sore loser as well.

VESPA: I’m not. I won.

BUDDY: Ah. I believe I didn’t catch that part of the tutorial.

ENGSTROM: My answer: I pay the Oasis generously for these private rooms. I’m retired; this is the only sport that still entertains me; they want to keep their star customer. So as long as I bring them publicity the Casino doesn’t care how I choose my opponents.

BUDDY: Ask a boring question, get a boring answer, I suppose. Your Ask, Brock.

ENGSTROM: My Ask… Hmm…

What is your name?

VESPA: You already know my name.

ENGSTROM: I wasn’t talking to you.

VESPA (NARRATOR): If Buddy was worried, her face didn’t show it. Most of the time she just looked amused, with that half-smile that said she was just humoring the world, waiting for it to do something worth her attention again.

BUDDY: Well, if we’re skipping over the detective, I suppose… How do we get aboard the Utgard Express?

ENGSTROM: Very interesting. (CHUCKLE) Pass, of course.

BUDDY: Of course. Care to speed things up, Detective?

VESPA: I thought you’d never ask.

SOUND: BELL DING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): And when the cards were being played as fast as I was used to, it all started to fade away. It was hard to keep track of how many rounds we were going through until one of us ripped a card and restarted.

One thing was pretty clear to me by the third time around, though.

SOUND: BELL DING.

VESPA: Your win. I don’t know where she’s from, she never told me.

SOUND: BELL DING. TEARING NOISE.

VESPA: Your win. Medical experience by the assload.

SOUND: TEARING NOISES, BELL DINGING SEVERAL TIMES.

VESPA: Your win. I met her on a case.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I was losing. Bad. Too bad for it to be actually fair. I knew this game as well as I did Hyperion. The names change but the moves stay the same. Engstrom was cheating, and it had something to do with Valencia.

But I couldn’t say that without starting a fight so I kept playing and hoped that Buddy wouldn’t wager my secretary’s life on a game of street poker while she took her sweet time figuring out how they were cheating it.

BUDDY: How do we get onto the Utgard Express?

ENGSTROM: What is Lux Rose’s real name?

VESPA: Pass.

VESPA (NARRATOR): The message was clear and cold as the ice in their drinks: either of those questions get answered, we’re done.

I knew what trick Engstrom was pulling. If I tell him Buddy’s real name, tear down our set-up for an easy loss and move on, he was still going to keep trying to catch me in a lie to pass go and collect Jet directly from my office.

All the while, Valencia stood behind us. That smoke was grating me on both ends already but something else was… off with her cigarette. Like it was just a near constant thing and it never ran out.

Finally, finally, Buddy made a move.

VESPA: I’ll hit the corners.

ENGSTROM: East to West.

SOUND: CARDS SHUFFLING. BUDDY WALKING.

BUDDY: Valencia, was it? I’ll take a Venusian Connection, I think- on the rocks.

VALENCIA: Do I look like a waiter to you, doll?

BUDDY: Well, seeing as I placed an order and you looked positively prepared to murder me at the request, I think I’m inclined to say that yes, you do. And, oh- make it a double, won’t you, darling?

VALENCIA: You can get your own drink. I’m watching the game.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I couldn’t focus much on what they were talking about back there. I knew, technically, how the game was moving— more towards Engstrom winning than me. With forty more cards on our deck for this round, it was starting to get ridiculous. From Engstrom’s questions and movements, it was clear that he could see my cards and I was itching to just throw my hand and grab a knife.

But Buddy had a plan. Buddy had her goddamn plan.

SOUND: CARDS TEARING.

VALENCIA: A picture would last longer, you know.

BUDDY: Aren’t your legs tired from standing there? And in such high heels, my goodness, I thought I was a size queen. Besides, the view would be much better from the table, don’t you think?

VALENCIA: The view is fine from back here.

BUDDY: Perhaps I’ll join you, then. Though I’m afraid that with the amount of smoke you’re emitting the doctor in my detective will be very sore with me.

VALENCIA: Luckily for your health, you won’t be standing back here with me for much longer. Detective, would you mind telling your date to behave herself?

VESPA: Wouldn’t that be the day.

ENGSTROM: Then I’ll do it for you. Mr. Rose, you will leave my assistant alone or you can kiss your answers goodbye.

VESPA: Technically your assistant should leave her alone, since she started it.

BUDDY: (LAUGHS) In terms of good luck charms, I’ve never been the Ace in the Hole but I’ve been told I’m more of a stubborn sort of “Bedside Queen” besides.

VESPA: (SCOFFS)

ENGSTROM: (THUMPS TABLE) She cannot stand back there!

VESPA: (DRY) Yeah, Valencia, you can’t stand back there.

BUDDY: You heard them.

ENGSTROM: (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) I meant. Rose.

VALENCIA: Move, or I make you.

BUDDY: Oh, but I do rather like this spot, I’m afraid. Right behind my darling detective– how _are_ you feeling, Vespa?

VESPA: Like I need eight hours of sleep.

BUDDY: And besides, your spot isn’t even so special, Valencia. The one thing you’ve got a very good view of is, again, Vespa’s hand.

ENGSTROM: (CLEARS THROAT, COUGHS)

BUDDY: (CHARMING LITTLE LAUGH)

VESPA: Let’s see you pretend this didn’t happen now.

ENGSTROM: Just what are you trying to imply?

VESPA: I’m not implying anything. Last I checked we were playing street poker, not street magic. Making me hold up my cards for Valencia to see was all part of the trick and you know, Standard Variation rules say I get to kill you for breaking them.

I’ve used toilet paper less flimsy than your sorry excuse of a poker face. The second I mentioned you were cheating, before the game even started, you looked like you were about to throw up.

BUDDY: Very impressive, Detective. So, Brock, are you cheating?

ENGSTROM: Is… is that your question?

VESPA: Oh, no. It is game over until you can crawl out of that hole you just dug for yourself.

ENGSTROM: Then you’ll never know how to get aboard the Utgard Express.

VESPA: That’s an empty threat. We were never going to learn a thing about the train playing against a cheater anyway. Let’s go, Rose.

ENGSTROM: I am not cheating!

SOUND: THUMPS TABLE. PAPERS FLUTTERING.

Valencia! Clean this up!

VALENCIA: Yes, sir.

BUDDY: Vespa—

SOUND: CHAIR CREAKING AS VESPA STANDS.

VESPA: You know, I could kill you here and now just for even trying to lie.

ENGSTROM: I will not tolerate this, do you hear me! You have no evidence!

VESPA: (SCOFF) Say that to the laundry list I just gave you. What more do you want, a goddamn presentation to go with it?

BUDDY: No, he’s right, Vespa. If he wants us to prove it, we might as well keep playing. Sit down.

VESPA: What? Are you fu— (LAUGH) No.

BUDDY: No?

VESPA: No, I’m done.

ENGSTROM: What sort of game do you think this is—

VESPA: What sort of game do you think this is? It’s street poker, dumbass. If you wanna play with air, be my guest, but I’m not playing another round with you.

BUDDY: (A BIT PISSED) A time out, then. You’ll have to excuse us, Brock. My Private Eye seems to be acting up.

ENGSTROM: Put some drops in her, then! She’d better behave herself when you come back!

VESPA: I’ve got a knife with your name on it when I see you—

BUDDY: Come along, Detective.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. ALL SOUNDS FADE; DOOR CLOSES.

Scene 3

BUDDY: Care to explain the reasoning behind that little display?

VESPA: No, you wanna tell me what the hell that was about? Because I think I deserve some answers, Aurinko.

BUDDY: (AUDIBLE SMILE, STRAINED. SHE’S ENDEARED TO HOW ANGRY VESPA IS, BUT PISSED HERSELF) Well, you see, there’s a weapon on a train—

VESPA: You know what I mean! I had him where we needed him, and you want to indulge and play the long game with him just because? My secretary’s life is on the line here.

BUDDY: Oh, you really are just charming when you’re like this, darling.

VESPA: (GROWLS)

BUDDY: (FRUSTRATED SIGH) If that’s the end of your moment… Engstrom has just backed himself into a corner, and we are in position to take advantage of that. Of course, we would be if it weren’t for your little display.

(SARCASTICALLY) And can I just say, that was a marvelous performance, dear, well done, if only it just ended there and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

VESPA: This isn’t some amateur hour theatre troupe, Aurinko, and in case you’re forgetting, you’re not some Dark Matters Agent babysitting me anymore.

I pointed out how he was cheating, I’m still playing the game, and if I take the fall for you instead of telling him your name, my secretary’s saying hallmark quotes to wannabe thief-brats until he dies… What else do you want? Because I feel like I’m pulling all the weight here, and the moment I try to speed things up, you want to play chicken with the retired jewel thief?

BUDDY: It’s as you said, he’s dug himself into a hole and all that’s left is to put a lid on. I will help you, you just have to keep playing.

VESPA: Okay. Okay, so— so, I put my trust on you, the thief who’s been working for some whack job with a doctorate, killing anyone who gets in the way; who’s _stolen evidence from me_ ; who’s done nothing to earn my trust this entire time.

I just give you all the things that you need while you sit there and look pretty, is that it?

BUDDY: I did say I needed you.

VESPA: To be your stooge, clearly! And it’s not like you’ve got anything on the line here. Worst case scenario here is that I lose enough, end up lying, and a few days from now I get arrested for killing Engstrom.

BUDDY: Vespa, you weren’t in any such danger that you wouldn’t already bring unto yourself. I would never wager your life or livelihood like that.

VESPA: Come on, do you seriously think I’m that much of an idiot?

No, wait, actually, I really am. Because for a moment there, I really thought you’d changed. But this is just another extraction job for you. I don’t even know what you’re planning, I’m just— just a pawn you’re pushing around on your stupid little board.

BUDDY: I think you’ve got our games confused, Vespa. We’re playing street poker, not chess.

VESPA: But you’re not denying it!

BUDDY: So I’m not. I’m not above lying about whatever he asks of me when you lose again, heaven knows he can’t prove a thing and I don’t really plan on leaving him with any reputation intact to cash in on it. Neither you nor Jet have anything to worry about, and we both know why.

Besides, darling, if we don’t get on that train sometime within the next, say, thirty hours, we’ll be in a hell of a lot more trouble than the consequences outlined in your little poker game.

VESPA: We have other ways to get on that train! I can call my secretary right now and he’ll probably be able to get us those codes before Engstrom can rip another pair of cards. Just admit it, Buddy, you just want to toy with me, don’t you.

VESPA (NARRATOR):That smile. That ever-present and infuriating smile that had me the punchline of her own little joke since the moment she walked into my office- Disappeared. And that was when I knew I had her.

BUDDY: (PAUSE, THEN MEASURED) I suggest you choose your next words carefully.

VESPA: (BEAT) You didn’t deny it.

And this isn’t our first rodeo, remember?

I don’t know what it is or if it’s even at all related to Miasma, but you’re dragging this game out because you’ve got something up your sleeve, and I’m not going back in there until you tell me, until I’m sure that whatever the next step in this plan is, it won’t get me killed and it won’t waste my goddamn time.

BUDDY: … Fine. (BEAT) A few months back, you took the case of one Prince of Mars and his husband, Anthony DiMaggio, CEOs of Saffron Pharmaceuticals.

VESPA: How do you—

BUDDY: (CURT) If you want answers, I’m afraid the questions will have to wait. We’re pressed for time as it is even with your little tantrum in there.

I was on Mars for that case of yours. I’d been tasked to steal two things—

VESPA: The teleporter and the pill.

BUDDY: Really, do you want to tell the story?

VESPA: No, sorry. Go on.

BUDDY: As I was about to say.

I’d done a stellar job, I’d gotten both artifacts. Though it seemed only one artifact got back to Miasma. Mostly because there are just some things too big to whisk away… otherwise, neither of them would have made it.

VESPA: You done?

BUDDY: Yes, thank you.

VESPA: Alright. First off, I don’t believe you.

BUDDY: Your denial knows no bounds.

VESPA: Call it skepticism. Second, even if you are telling the truth, you’re an idiot. You stole the pill from your boss, no wonder she’s about to come for our throats! Did you at least destroy it?

BUDDY: Vespa darling, that was an ancient, priceless artifact, not to mention one that could very well change the very fabric of human interaction itself as we know it! One cannot just destroy something with that much xenoanthropological significance!

(BEAT, THEN QUICKLY:) Besides, I did all that I could to it and it still didn’t break, so, I did the next best thing rather than get it in the hands of someone like Miasma.

VESPA: (SNORT) What, did you swallow it?

SOUND: WATER RUSHING AS BUDDY STARTS WASHING HER HANDS.

(NEARLY HYSTERICAL) Wh- I was kidding. Are you completely unhinged? You swallowed it? It could have killed you or, or—

BUDDY: Please, Doctor, spare me the concern, I’ve swallowed drinks more volatile than that chunk of rock.

SOUND: WATER STOPS. HAND DRYER TURNING ON.

VESPA: (LOUDER OVER THE DRYER) That doesn’t reassure me and I am not concerned! I’m pissed! You’re betting my life and the life of my secretary even just speaking to me, and now you want me to just do what you want?

SOUND: HAND DRYER CUTS OFF.

BUDDY: No, I’m not betting anything, you are. You just have to trust me, dear. The pill works. I’ve used it before. I just need more time, alright?

VESPA: (SIGH) Fine. Do I want to trust you? Sure. But that doesn’t mean anything. Now it just makes you look more suspicious. Like, why are we stretching this all out when you could have just mind-read the information you needed from him? Hypothetically.

BUDDY: (AMUSED) Hypothetically.

VESPA: All you needed to do was catch him somewhere that wasn’t in a game or pretend to be someone from the Utgard. Literally anything else but this game of street poker.

BUDDY: … I admit, I didn’t think of that. And I wouldn’t have realized how much I needed that kind of clever thinking if you weren’t here.

I'll try to run any future plans by you, darling. You do seem to have a mind for these things.

VESPA: That’s one way to get yourself killed, I guess.

BUDDY: Is it? I’m still alive, aren’t I? And I trust you.

VESPA: That doesn’t make it a two-way street, Bud. For all I know, you’re just long-conning me too.

BUDDY: Again, you think so little of me. I have my reasons and though I can’t tell you any of them, I can assure you that they’re never to harm you intentionally.

As for why I trust you…

VESPA: What.

BUDDY: Curious, are we?

VESPA: (EMBARRASSED) It just sounded like you were leading up to something.

BUDDY: (COY) Perhaps I was.

VESPA: Well, are you gonna say it? Never known you to be one to hold back.

BUDDY: Maybe you’ve taught me some… restraint.

VESPA: (SCOFF) I doubt it.

BUDDY: Then maybe you’d like to come here? Perhaps I can assuage your fears, darling.

SOUND: CLOTHES RUSTLING AS VESPA PUSHES HER AWAY.

VESPA: We’re in public, Rose.

BUDDY: (LAUGHS BUT EMOTIONALLY SHE’S RECOVERING FROM THIS STINGING REJECTION!) There she is, my cranky detective.

SOUND: KNOCKING ON DOOR.

VALENCIA: Mr. Engstrom wants you all to know that he’s getting bored. Are you two done kissing in there, or should we call this game right now?

VESPA: We’re not—

BUDDY: Just a moment, darling! Just need to reapply my lipstick and powder my face!

(TO VESPA) So, Detective. Any other insecurities I can massage for you?

VESPA: (BEAT) No. I’m all set.

BUDDY: Good. I’m counting on you, you know.

VESPA: And at some point, I’ll figure out why.

BUDDY: You’ll simply have to let me hear about it when you do. Come along. Engstrom is waiting.

SOUND: ALL SOUNDS FADE. 

ENGSTROM: It’s about time. Is everything under control?

BUDDY: As controlled as she’ll ever be. Have you ever tried catching the wind, Brock? I hear it’s very difficult. This was just a tad harder.

ENGSTROM: Sure. While you were away I received an invitation I don’t intend to decline. I can give you twenty minutes more. Enough time for a few hands – a last chance at a few big questions.

VESPA: (TO BUDDY) Is one of them ‘Et tu, Valencia’?

ENGSTROM: Sit. Let’s play. Now: what is your name?

BUDDY: (IN A WHISPER) Vespa. Buy as much time as you can, please?

VESPA: (BEAT) Good luck.

BUDDY: (AN AUDIBLE SMILE, A BIT OF RELIEF AS SHE SAYS:) I won’t need it— but thank you. (LOUDER) What is the access code to your personal bank account?

ENGSTROM: (LAUGH) I see! Quite a defensive maneuver!

VESPA: (ANNOYED) Pass or play?

ENGSTROM: Pass, of course. I wouldn’t risk my retirement on either of you. And besides, you know how this game has to end.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I lowered my hand a bit, just so it wasn’t completely over my shoulder, just so Valencia would have to lean forward. I didn’t know if Buddy needed proximity or time or just enough danger to jumpstart that stupid pill of hers, but hell if I wasn’t going to try and help her.

The games following that were fast, but I had a handle on it. And while the smoke was getting thicker and thicker in the room, the questions kept coming.

VESPA: How do we board the Utgard Express?

ENGSTROM: What is Lux Rose’s real name?

VESPA: Pass.

VESPA (NARRATOR): We were running out of time, and Engstrom wasn’t willing to budge anymore.

ENGSTROM: What is her name?

VESPA: Pass.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Not a single hand was played. We were going nowhere, and I couldn’t stall any longer.

VESPA: Rose.

BUDDY: I know, darling.

ENGSTROM: What is her name?

VESPA: Pass.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Whatever she was doing, it had to happen any second now. I played how I usually did then, putting my cards face down on the felt.

ENGSTROM: Cards up, Detective, we’ve been through this.

VESPA: If you’re so sure you’re not cheating, you can shut your mouth.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Engstrom didn’t say anything else, which was smart. His face stayed stony as we played on, and I managed to win a couple rounds.

ENGSTROM: My family is from Baldr originally, but we moved to the Trojan Belt soon after.

ENGSTROM: I’m planning on retiring to Earth. The Martian air is simply terrible for my lungs.

VESPA (NARRATOR): But after my last win, Engstrom finally snapped, and he said-

ENGSTROM: That’s enough. I was under the impression that you had either the courage to play to your stakes or the decency to apologize for your actions. I was wrong on both counts.

VESPA: Decency? You’re cheating!

ENGSTROM: If you levy these false accusations against me one more time, Detective Ilkay—!

BUDDY: I apologize for the Detective’s outburst, Mr. Engstrom. Tensions run high in a game like this.

ENGSTROM: Preposterous. It can only be tense if she actually played the round where her question is asked. I will give you two one final chance. One last hand. After that, I’m afraid I have other obligations to which I must attend.

BUDDY: Alright. Let’s give him a show, then, Vespa darling. (BEAT) How do we board the Utgard Express?

ENGSTROM: What is your name?

VESPA (NARRATOR): Buddy looked idly on, a pleasant smile pasted onto her lips. I had no other choice but the one she gave me.

VESPA: (BEAT) Play.

SOUND: BELL DING; CARDS RUSTLING; BUDDY GASPING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): And suddenly, Buddy clutched at the edge of the table with her manicured fingers, wrecking lines on the felt surface. She blinked, and that was all the warning we got before her nose started bleeding.

VALENCIA: Feeling emotional, Rose? Your nose is bleeding.

BUDDY: (SNIFFLE) Oh my.

SOUND: CARDS ON THE TABLE; FABRIC RUSTLING.

VESPA: Here, tilt your head back.

BUDDY: That’s very sweet, darling. (WHISPER) I have our key— what I need you to do is end the round.

VESPA: (WHISPER) What?!

ENGSTROM: Care to share your conversation with the rest of the table?

VESPA: Hell no.

SOUND: CLOTHES RUSTLING AS VESPA SITS BACK DOWN AND THROWS HER CARDS ON THE TABLE.

You win, I don’t care.

ENGSTROM: (SLAPPING A CARD DOWN) Then that, my friend, is the game. (CHUCKLING) Now, Rose. Your name.

VESPA: There’s your chance, Lux.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Valencia was clearing the table. I knew she must have the key to Engstrom’s method somewhere on her, but I didn’t know where.

I stood, seeing if I needed to step in somewhere as Buddy stood up straight and tracked Valencia’s movements. I shoved my hands into my pockets and waited. If Engstrom was worried I was about to slit his throat, he didn’t show it.

BUDDY: Valencia dear, mind if I bum a smoke?

VALENCIA: For the last time, hon, I–

SOUND: PUNCH; VALENCIA GRUNTS IN PAIN.

VESPA: (SURPRISED LAUGH) Nice.

ENGSTROM: What the hell do you think you’re doing!

VESPA: Something really, really satisfying, apparently.

ENGSTROM: Put down that cigarette!

BUDDY: Gladly.

SOUND: SMASH; FEEDBACK WHINE.

ENGSTROM: Ah! Damned feedback!

VESPA: Well, no wonder you got sensitive lungs, Valencia. Your doctor’s been prescribing you circuits and wires.

SOUND: FEEDBACK STOPS.

BUDDY: And I’m going to guess that the earphone you’ve just pulled out isn’t for listening to the radio, Brock.

ENGSTROM: So you caught me in a lie. So what? You still don’t know how to board the Utgard Express.

BUDDY: No, but what we do have is hard evidence of the fact that you’re a lying cheapskate with a penchant for cheating at card games. And it’s exactly what you wanted as well!

SOUND: BLADE.

VESPA: What’d I say, Brock. You had a date with my knife whether you wanted it or not.

ENGSTROM: You’ll kill me?

VESPA: It’s nothing personal.

ENGSTROM: You’re fools. I told you: the Oasis rests on my notoriety. If you kill me, if you hurt their bottom line, you’ll wish you died here.

BUDDY: Well, Vespa? He raises a valid point.

VESPA: I have a sharper one.

BUDDY: (LAUGH) There are worse things we can do than kill him. Since we have this new information… though that might not lead us anywhere near the train, it could lead Brock here to getting thrown out of the Oasis. Isn’t that right, darling?

ENGSTROM: I’ve been in this business too long for empty threats to faze me!

BUDDY: Well, it’s just that… The Oasis won’t like it if word got out that their star customer was a cheater. Bad publicity can be _terribly_ damaging after all— why, it can practically make or break your business!

How did you put it, Brocky? “If you hurt their bottom line, you’ll wish you died here?”

ENGSTROM: (GROWL)

BUDDY: There is an out, of course.

ENGSTROM: I’ve been after that train for half a century, Rose, and you’re going to rob it out from under me?

BUDDY: Have you finally figured it out? My, one wonders how easy it must have been to break into business back in the day if this is what we’re dealing with.

ENGSTROM: My generation was the best of their kind. This new generation of thieves hasn’t got a scrap of honor. What has crime come to?

BUDDY: Oh, bigger and better things, I can assure you. Now talk.

ENGSTROM: (SIGH) As you know, that train moves too quickly to be approached. But a lockbox is useless if one can’t put anything in it or take anything out.

VESPA: Yeah, yeah, it has to slow down. You don’t have to either. Talk faster.

ENGSTROM: It slows down once a week to intercept shipments. There’s a site out in the desert. They launch high-speed transport drones which intercept the train and drop their payloads. The next shipment is… tomorrow morning. Five o’clock.

BUDDY: And where is that launch site?

SOUND: WRITING. 

ENGSTROM: Here. The coordinates.

BUDDY: They had most certainly better be. Wouldn’t want anyone to start asking where you get your cigarettes. Come along, Vespa.

SOUND: SHINK! OF A KNIFE

VESPA: What? You gotta let me cut him up at least a little. It’s the rules.

BUDDY: As much as I’d enjoy watching you do that, darling, we really must depart. We have a train to catch, remember?

VESPA: (GRUMBLING) Whatever.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS; DOOR OPENS; VESPA THROWS THE KNIFE. IT STICKS IN THE WALL NEXT TO HIS HEAD.

ENGSTROM: (YELPS WIMPILY IN BRITISH) You’ll regret crossing me, Rose. Do you hear me? You’ll remember this mistake as long as you live-!

BUDDY: I doubt that. You’ve proven yourself eminently forgettable already. Cheers.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS.

VESPA (NARRATOR): We won. We won— and we’d even done it with style.

Just like she said we would.

As the hype of our win finally ebbed down to a simmer, I couldn’t help but grin at that thought.

BUDDY: Why, Detective, what’s that on your face?

VESPA: Oh, save it-

BUDDY: Don’t tell me you enjoyed that, you’ll inflate my ego. (BEAT) But did you?

VESPA: (SOFT LAUGH) Yeah…

VESPA (NARRATOR): And as I looked at Buddy with the smiles on our lips, I couldn’t help one other thing. Good moments can only last as long as I could get them to, and this one had just run its course.

Because what did we really win? A piece of paper with some information to get on the Utgard Express? That was just one step of it.

We’d have to actually get the bomb, get out of the train, then figure out how to play keepaway with Buddy’s employer until we found a way to destroy it.

BUDDY: Now that’s just spoiling the fun of it.

VESPA: Did you just—

BUDDY: Not to worry, Detective, it’s written all over your face. What’s gotten into you?

VESPA: (BEAT) You gonna tell me the rest of the plan now?

BUDDY: (CHARMING LITTLE LAUGH) Why, what’s the rush? Can’t we just… celebrate for the rest of the evening? It seemed you had no other insecurities to massage, but what about-

VESPA: Or you could just tell me right now. I don’t see what the hold up is.

Unless-

BUDDY: Unless?

VESPA: Unless you’re hiding something else. What, did you just plan on improvising tomorrow? Because if that’s the only thing you’re trying to hide, I can just help you plan—

BUDDY: Please. Of course I have an entire plan.

VESPA: (BEAT) So, what?

BUDDY: (STILL FEIGNING IGNORANCE) What?

VESPA: (FRUSTRATED NOISE) Buddy! Just tell me the goddamn plan!

(GROWL)

SOUND: PAPERS RUSTLE.

BUDDY: What in the world…?

SOUND: CRUMPLING PAPER.

You took these from my coat pocket, didn’t you?

VESPA: I did. Do you want me to read your plans from those instead?

BUDDY: (FINALLY, FINALLY FULLY PISSED) Vespa.

VESPA: What?

BUDDY: Nevermind your total breach of my privacy, these are old notes.

VESPA: Like I buy that!

BUDDY: (READING DRAMATICALLY FROM THE PAGE) Agent Kiss-ass, well, let’s see!

SOUND: PAPER RUSTLES EACH TIME SHE CHANGES ALIASES.

“Dark Matters Agent. Simpering, teacher’s pet sort of thing. Penchant for the etymology of names and excessively flirting with uptight detectives.”

Ah, Bimbo DeLuxe— That’s me, right now, your husband.

“A bit of an airhead, newlywed, loves her wife. Has every idea how Rangian Street Poker works, but simply has to be the arm candy in every job or else.”

VESPA: (OVERLAPPING) Yeah, yeah. I get it.

BUDDY: No, no. You wanted to know everything, didn’t you? Oh, look! Here’s one I did when we weren’t together, unfortunately. Do you know a Blair Rockridge? Nevermind, I don’t care.

Detective Blockhead.

VESPA: Bud…

BUDDY: (NOT EVEN READING FROM THE PAGE AT THIS POINT) Detective Medusa Ray, bit of a cynic, this one. Has a glare that can turn you to stone. She’s a bit of a kidder, but it’s to distract from the fact that she’s invested in the things she’s joking about. But when you try to tell her about it, ohhh, does she get upset!

VESPA: I said I get it!

BUDDY: Do you? Do you really? Because it seems to me that I have placed an enormous amount of trust in you, when you’ve barely afforded me the same courtesy! We are not enemies, Vespa, no matter how much you seem intent on making an antagonist of me!

VESPA: You must go after some pretty easy marks if you think that’s going to work on me, Aurinko.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS.

BUDDY: Where are you going?

VESPA: Making a damn call. (POINTED) Anything else you want me to do for you?

BUDDY: (BEAT. THEN, COLDLY) Goodnight, Detective Ilkay.

SOUND: DOOR NOISE; FOOTSTEPS; BEEPING; RINGING.

VESPA: (UNINTELLIGIBLE GRUMBLING) Come on, Sikuliaq, pick up, pick up…

JET: Hello.

VESPA: Sikuliaq! I need you to—

JET (ANSWERING MACHINE): This is the office of the Ilkay Detective Agency. We are not available to take your call or your case right now. Please call again during our normal business hours, which are-

VESPA (ANSWERING MACHINE): Sikuliaq! Have you seen my- what are you doing?

VESPA: (MUTTERING) Is that what I sound like? Barf.

JET (ANSWERING MACHINE): Vespa. I am setting the answering machine message, so that our clients will know what to do should we be unavailable when they call.

VESPA (ANSWERING MACHINE): Oh. (BEAT) Well, can you hold on a second? I can’t find my comms.

JET (ANSWERING MACHINE): I am afraid I cannot hold on, as the recorder is running as we speak-

VESPA (ANSWERING MACHINE): You’re gonna have to, I was right in the middle of my sudoku, Jet, and that shit is on a timer-

SOUND: BEEP.

VESPA: Sikuliaq… (SIGH) Jet, this is Vespa. I… (REALIZING) I have no idea why I’m calling.

Well, to update: I found her, just like I said I would. Funny enough she… (BREATHY LAUGH) she was Vicky’s contact. So now I’m just going along with whatever she wants and.

It’s— it’s frustrating that she’s— she talks so fucking much but this one thing, and it’s the thing that could save us if I knew all of it, she doesn’t want to tell me. It’s like every time I ask her she just get more and more pissed at me and— I dunno, I don’t want—

(SIGH) Whatever. Just. (MOCKING) Sorry for calling in the middle of the night again.

And uh, take a week off, Jet. And if you don’t hear from me by then, you know who to—

SOUND: BEEP.

COMPUTER VOICE: End of message.

VESPA: (PAUSE) He’ll figure it out.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSES.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very special and gracious shout-out to our liveread cast, who played the following roles in this part:  
> \- [Danny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goinghost) as Vespa Ilkay;  
> \- [Jeannette](https://archiveofourown.org/users/entropyre) as Buddy Aurinko;  
> \- [Gab](https://twitter.com/navyblueart) as Valencia;  
> \- [SJ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubborn_jerk) as Brock Engstrom; and  
> \- [Taz](https://twitter.com/tazatouilles) as Jet Sikuliaq.
> 
> And a big thank you to our liveread audience: [Ezra](https://sugarboi.tumblr.com/), [Nova](https://inlovewithbuddyaurinko.tumblr.com), Sage, [Sameer](https://twitter.com/mangocltrus), [Stes](https://twitter.com/homeostesis), [Peter](https://twitter.com/vampfatale), and [Vo](https://twitter.com/starbuckodinson).
> 
> Their performances and live reactions made the writing of this script worth it. Please click [here](https://northisnotup.tumblr.com/post/638782468741300226) and consider joining the Trans Nureyev Agenda server, where we host these livereads every now and then.
> 
> Otherwise, thank you for reading through and please, _please_ consider leaving us a comment of some sort as it would be _greatly_ appreciated. We cannot stress enough how much time and effort we've invested into this project.


	2. One-Eyed Royal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Detective Ilkay is knee-deep in one of her most unpleasant cases yet. She’s been taken from her home in the dead of night, made to wager in a deadly game of cards, and partnered with a super thief whom she finds quite... distracting.
> 
> But this is her only choice if she’s to stop the weapon she and Buddy Aurinko are after. It’s on that train, the Utgard Express. If they leave by morning, all should be fine.
> 
> Should be. But nothing in a P.I.’s life is ever quite so simple, is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, big thanks to our beta [North](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Northisnotup) for entertaining our little whims for this project. She really helped us with some key points in the story so, if you have time, go ahead and read her work as well.

**PART 2**

MUSIC: STARTS.

CONCIERGE: What’s that? Locked yourself out of the room? Oh, Traveler, we apologize for any undue stress. We’ll bring you there in just a moment.

SOUND: KEYS JINGLING.

I believe your room was V1113, correct? We really do apologize.

SOUND: KNOCKING. GAS HISSING.

You’re in luck! I think they’re still in. Here we are. Room V1113.

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING OPEN.

Vespa Ilkay and the Railbird’s Gamble.

Scene 1

SOUND: BACKGROUND BUZZING. SHEETS RUSTLING.

BUDDY: … Vespa? (BEAT) Love, did you say something?

VESPA: (MUMBLING, HALF ASLEEP)

BUDDY: (WHISPERED) Vespa, I think there’s someone- (GASP)

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING AS BUDDY HIDES UNDER THE COVERS; DOOR OPENING, FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSING.

VESPA: (A BIT CLEARER) Bud…?

SOUND: HEAVY BREATHING, WEAPON COCKING.

VOICE: Goodnight you lousy thief, no-good son of a-

SOUND: LASER.

VOICE: (GRUNTS)

SOUND: FABRIC SHUFFLING.

VESPA: What the hell was that?!

BUDDY: (OUT OF BREATH) Whoever it was, they won’t be a problem now. Turn the lights on, please.

SOUND: CLICK; FABRIC SHUFFLING.

VESPA: Who the hell is this? If this is one of-

BUDDY: I don’t know, darling, but seeing the size of her blaster I really don’t want to stay long enough to find out.

VESPA: But what-

BUDDY: Let’s just get dressed and get out of here, shall we? We haven’t the time for the who-what-where-why.

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

VESPA: (BEAT, THEN SOFT) Did she hit you?

BUDDY: (LAUGHING A LITTLE, TRYING TO PLAY IT OFF) Of course not. Didn’t even have a chance to fire, with my quick shooting.

VESPA: Aurinko, you’re bleeding. There’s blood all over your cheek.

BUDDY: My, is there? I… (SIGHS) It must be a nosebleed, that’s all. The dry Martian desert air is simply dreadful for my sinuses.

VESPA: (TRYING TO BE LIGHTHEARTED) A nosebleed? C’mon, I’m a doctor, you’ve got it all the way up to your-

BUDDY: (TERSE) I said let’s go. Please. Before anyone catches wind of-

SOUND: KNOCKING.

(WHISPERING) Well. Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

SOUND: BELT BUCKLE JINGLING; FABRIC SHUFFLING.

VOICE #2 (FROM THE HALLWAY): Excuse me, Mr. Rose? Is everything alright in there? We thought we heard gunfire.

VESPA: ‘S just a hotel employee.

BUDDY: Just a hotel employee, well! I suppose we’ll just politely explain that we thought an assassin-skin rug would really complete the room’s decor, then?

SOUND: KNOCKING.

VOICE #2: (INSISTENT) Mr. Rose, open this door, please. We wouldn’t wanna have to force it.

BUDDY: The window, darling. Now!

MUSIC: STARTS.

SOUND: WINDOW OPENING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): As I said: Mars is dry as hell. I was reminded of that fact as the hot, stale sim-wind of the desert blew in through the open window. When you grow up squelching around in the swamp muck on Ranga you kinda get used to that wet, humid heat that sticks to your skin like a layer of mucous. And if this has got me missing that? You know it’s gotta be shit.

SOUND: VESPA SPITTING OUT SAND.

Man, I fucking hate this planet.

MUSIC: ENDS.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

VESPA: (SPITS) Yuck. So. Got an escape plan?

BUDDY: 8. A few more, depending on how our performance goes. Now come along, down the ladder.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS AGAINST METAL.

VESPA (NARRATOR): When you’ve made a career out of getting into trouble for as long as I have, it’s easy to convince yourself that you’ve seen it all, that it can’t get any worse.

If there’s one thing I know from 38 years, it’s that it can always, always get worse.

BUDDY: (FRUSTRATED NOISE) It appears that they’ve caught wind of our escape already— they’ve blocked my route.

VESPA: Shit, uh- what about through here?

BUDDY: Vespa, surely you’re not suggesting that we go through the garbage chute.

VESPA: Got a better idea?

BUDDY: I am not going down there! There has to be another way-

VESPA: There’s no time! Do you want to get caught or what?

BUDDY: (RELENTING, BUT STILL COMPLAINING ABOUT IT) Really, Vespa, the only way I’ll fit in there is if you break both my shoulders and fold me in half, it’s ridiculous-

VESPA: Believe me, Aurinko, you’re making that very, very tempting- go!

SOUND: METAL CREAKING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Take this lousy job. Sure, I already found who I was looking for, but I’ve only had a few hours of sleep ever since I found her and I’ve been steadily losing it since.

Six minutes ago, I had to escape someone trying to kill the aforementioned redheaded thief who got me into this mess and six seconds ago, we took a two-story plunge-

SOUND: VESPA SCREAMING.

—down a garbage chute and into- where else? The fucking garbage.

SOUND: RUFFLING GARBAGE. 

BUDDY: (MUTTERING) Why did I agree to this, whyever in the world did I agree to this, this isn’t even remotely going according to-

VESPA: Oof! That wasn’t so bad, wasn’t it?

BUDDY: (BORDERLINE HYSTERICAL) Wasn’t so bad? Vespa, you seem to forget that we are knee-deep in an absolute cesspit of the worst kind of refuse- that which comes from an establishment built for the elite!

VESPA: Alright, quit being a baby. It’s nothing a shower and a few vaccinations won’t fix. Now, ladies first.

BUDDY: (REGAINING HER COMPOSURE) I’m the gentleman, darling. You go ahead.

VESPA: Wimp.

BUDDY: Vespa.

VESPA: Just get in the fucking chute. The more you talk to me, the more time you spend in this damn thing.

BUDDY: Fine. But only because I don’t have the time to squabble with you.

VESPA: You had time two seconds ago but- whatever.

SOUND: SHUFFLING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): We went that way for a while, down chutes, cutting along dusty service hallways…

SOUND: METAL SCREECHING AND DROPPING TO THE FLOOR.

BUDDY: (GASP, LIKE SHE’S JUST BEEN RESUSCITATED) There! Here at last, Detective. Finally, (COUGH) the garage-!

VESPA: Took you long enough.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. 

You’ve gotta be kidding me. After all that, you brought us to the wrong garage?

BUDDY: Don’t be ridiculous, I never get lost.

VESPA: This is the V.I.P. garage! I didn’t park here.

BUDDY: Did I ever say anything about your car? I don’t believe so. We’ll find a much more effective ‘modus transportandi’ here.

VESPA: Nothing wrong with my car.

BUDDY: The inspection sticker is three years out of date.

VESPA: I’m busy, alright?

BUDDY: It’s a bit too old even for you, Vespa, and you really ought to get a new one.

VESPA: Hey, I get that thing checked all the time, alright? I’ll have you know, it works perfectly fi—

BUDDY: Ah! Here we are. The vehicle of the hour.

VESPA: Wait… Why—

BUDDY: Engstrom may be a sham of a burglar, but this car is legendary, darling. The RUBY7: bane of law enforcement across the galaxy and—

VESPA: (SCOFFS) I know what she is. My secretary’s Jet, remember?

BUDDY: (BEAT) Well, whatever history your secretary and Engstrom had with this car doesn’t matter now; We’re going to give her to a thief who can really use her.

VESPA: (MOCKING) You?

BUDDY: Why not?

SOUND: BEEPING, ADJUSTING. 

(PAUSE, THEN BORDERLINE SALACIOUSLY) Sleek, powerful, dangerous, green... you don't think she'd suit me, detective?

SOUND: WHIRRING.

(TOTALLY IGNORING THAT VAGUELY HORNY COMMENT 2 SECONDS AGO) There. We’re in.

SOUND: CAR DOOR BEING PULLED, REJECTING BEEP.

VESPA: She doesn’t like you.

BUDDY: (AS THE BEEPING CONTINUES) That’s rude.

SOUND: CAR DOOR BEING PULLED AGAIN.

Vespa, this car doesn’t have any taste.

VESPA: (SNORTS) No, she just doesn’t like you. Step aside.

BUDDY: And why would she like you any better?

SOUND: VESPA PULLING THE CAR DOOR OPEN.

BUDDY: (SCOFF) Really.

VESPA: Isn’t it obvious? (BEAT) Nah, I’m shitting you, but you should’ve seen the look on your face- this car knows me, remember? Employing Sikuliaq has its perks, I guess.

BUDDY: Hmmpf. Well. There’s still some information we need, and I have a hunch that Engstrom keeps that information somewhere in the RUBY7’s data banks.

Hah! Just as I suspected. Take a look at this.

VESPA: The drone’s launch location. But that’s not what Engstrom gave you.

BUDDY: Yes, he must have thought himself very clever for that one. Shall we catch a train, then, Vespa?

SOUND: ENGINE STARTING; BRIEF AND CUT OFF QUICKLY WITH A BEEP, SHAKE IT OFF PLAYS ON THE RADIO.

We’re off to an early start, at least. We’ll drive out to the delivery drone’s location now, have some breakfast— mimosas included, of course— and catch the Utgard Express before sunup.

VESPA: Like it’s just gonna be that easy.

BUDDY: Your pessimism is showing, darling.

VESPA: And I told you it was skepticism. There’s a difference.

VOICE #3 (FROM AFAR): Did you see the look on the kid’s face when he called this in? I thought he was gonna be sick!

BUDDY: Ah, right on cue.

VESPA: Who’s that?

BUDDY: Oasis uniforms. Looks to be a security detail.

SOUND: SHUFFLING AS VESPA DUCKS DOWN.

VOICE #3: Did you hear about it? Sameer said he found a body up in one of the rooms.

VOICE #4: Sameer needs to get his eyes checked. Remember that time he said he found a… dragon in the bathtub? It was just a lizard.

VOICE #3: Nuh-uh, it was definitely a dragon! A real kimono dragon, I swear, and- hey, isn’t that Mr. Engstrom’s car?

VESPA: (WHISPERING, STRAINED) Buddy, keep your head down.

BUDDY: It may be a bit too late for that, darling. (SIGHS) I suppose that does leave only one option.

VESPA: (WITHOUT HESITATION) Alright.

SOUND: ENGINE REVVING.

BUDDY: (SHE THINKS THIS IS HOT) Well.

At top speed, the RUBY7 should be enough to shatter that barrier, but I’m afraid the paint will never be the same again.

MUSIC: STARTS.

VOICE #4: Hey you, get out of the car. Now!

VESPA: (TO BUDDY) You wanna give ‘em a heads up?

SOUND: ENGINE REVVING.

BUDDY: It would be my pleasure.

SOUND: WINDOW ROLLING DOWN. 

(SHOUTING OUT THE WINDOW) Hello? Hello, gentlemen?

VOICE #3: You’ve got ‘til the count of three, buddy.

BUDDY: Oh, they know my name. How delightful.

(SHOUTED) That’s plenty of time. My wife insists I inform you that we are about to crush you with this vehicle.

VOICE #3: One!

BUDDY: I said, crush you with this vehicle-

VOICE #4: She said one, not what.

VOICE #3: What?

BUDDY: I said, crush you-

VESPA: (CUTTING HER OFF, EXASPERATED) They heard what you said.

BUDDY: Well, then. I suppose they’ve been informed, haven’t they?

SOUND: WINDOW ROLLING UP.

VOICE #4: Hit the deck!

VESPA: Hold onto something!

SOUND: LOUD REVVING, METALLIC NOISES.

BUDDY: Ha-ha! Exhilarating. Now, this is the RUBY7’s element. With civilization far behind us, and nothing but open desert ahead— why, it feels like we could hang the very stars, wouldn’t you agree?

I mean honestly, keeping this car cooped up in some dingy garage was practically a crime against crime itself. Engstrom should have lost it years ago.

VESPA: (NOT UNKINDLY) Nerd.

SOUND: TWO WHISTLING BEEPS.

BUDDY: (A LITTLE FLUSTERED AT THE NERD COMMENT) It seems we have company!

RUBY, accept call.

SOUND: RESPONSIVE BEEP; STATIC.

ENGSTROM (FROM CALL): Mr. Rose, good morning.

BUDDY: Good morning, Brock. Say hello, Vespa.

VESPA: Fuck you.

ENGSTROM: You’ve made a grave error, Rose. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of someone signing her own death warrant before breakfast.

VESPA: We’re too busy to kill you today. Take it up with my secretary.

BUDDY: We do love the wedding gift, though, Brock. Very sleek!

ENGSTROM: You won’t be able to enjoy it for much longer. The drone launches very soon, after all. It would be a shame if you were… delayed.

SOUND: BOOM.

VESPA: What the hell is that?

ENGSTROM: Your delay. Good luck, lovebirds. Careful you don’t miss your train. (LAUGHS)

SOUND: REVVING ENGINES IN THE DISTANCE; STATIC, RESPONSIVE BEEP AS CALL ENDS.

VESPA: We’ve got four cars on our tail.

SOUND: BOOM.

BUDDY: And by the sound of it, they’re armed.

SOUND: TWO BOOMS. 

VESPA: Can’t this thing go any faster?

SOUND: SAD WHISTLE.

BUDDY: She’s not a thing, Vespa, she’s a highly intelligent motor-vehicle. And I said she was the best, not the fastest. Short bursts of speed, fine, but-

VESPA: (SHOUTING, CUTTING HER OFF) Now’s not the time for a lecture, Bud!

BUDDY: Alright, then. RUBY, analyze our situation for the optimal escape scenario.

SOUND: WHISTLE; TWO BOOMS.

VESPA: Maybe it’d be faster if it just bought us some coffins.

BUDDY: No need. If we’ll require coffins, she’s already ordered them. Clever car, isn’t she?

VESPA: I hate you.

BUDDY: Yes, yes, I can feel your loathing from here, it’s all very passionate. But regardless, the greatest getaway car’s most valuable asset is its ability to strategize. Just the right maneuver to avoid the roadblock, to jam the radar, to shield the electromagnetic pulse.

The RUBY7 is the only vehicle in the galaxy that can do all that and do it in style, isn’t that right, darling?

SOUND: WHISTLING.

Bless you.

SOUND: WHISTLING, WHIRRING. 

VESPA: What’s that supposed to be.

BUDDY: Ah, a rifle. So she won’t allow me to drive but apparently she’ll allow me to be our optimal escape scenario. I see how it is.

SOUND: RUBY7 WHISTLE-LAUGHS; AN ELASTIC SNAPPING AS BUDDY TIES HER HAIR BACK; WINDOW ROLLING DOWN.

Rude. I understand now why it likes you so terribly!

VESPA: Think you can hit those? The targets are moving at the speed of sound.

BUDDY: Think I can? (CHARMING LITTLE LAUGH) Darling, just sit back, relax, and keep your eyes on the road.

VESPA: Hm.

SOUND: BOOM. 

BUDDY: Oh, don’t give me that tone. Really, Vespa, your skepticism knows no bounds.

VESPA: Wow, you got it right this time. I’ll believe it when I see it.

BUDDY: Do be a dear and shut up, would you? I’m trying to concentrate.

SOUND: LONG WHISTLE.

VESPA: RUBY says the nearest shooter is on our seven o’clock.

SOUND: WEAPON FIRING, CRASH.

BUDDY: Not anymore.

VESPA: (AUDIBLE SMILE; SHE’S FUCKING WITH HER) Huh. That was alright.

SOUND: TWO BOOMS.

But I don’t think Engstrom and his goons liked it.

SOUND: BOOM.

The drop site’s close.

BUDDY: Once we make it there, the RUBY7 will handle them without us.

VESPA: What?

SOUND: THREE BOOMS.

You’re not gonna be able to take out all these cars- every dune we pass, another one pops out.

SOUND: WHISTLING.

Buddy, I kinda need to know the plan here.

BUDDY: Well, if we can’t lose them, they’ll just have to lose us.

SOUND: WHISTLING; WINDOW ROLLING DOWN.

Route set. We’re going to pull around that boulder up ahead and then you and I will jump out of the RUBY7.

VESPA: What?

BUDDY: While they’re chasing our car, we’ll be chasing that drone. RUBY, maximum power to the engines.

SOUND: WHISTLING; CAR ACCELERATING. 

Nearly there, wait for my signal…

SOUND: SIREN BEEPING.

VESPA: Wait, it’s in a minute?!

BUDDY: Wha— There’s no time, jump!

SOUND: LANDING WITH A THUMP; VEHICLES QUICKLY PASSING THEM BY. 

VESPA: (OUT OF BREATH) Next time, I’m not driving.

BUDDY: Next time we’ll simply have to find a car that will let me drive. A hatch down to the drone launch area is right-

SOUND: METAL CREAKING, HATCH OPENING.

-here. Down here. Quickly!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

What was in a minute, then?

VESPA: (BEAT) The drone launch.

SOUND: RUNNING; ALARM SOUNDING.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Drone launch commencing in one minute.

BUDDY: Can’t you keep up?

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Drone launch commencing in fifty seconds.

VESPA: (TALKING OVER THE VOICE) Yeah, we get it!

I’m running as fast as I fucking can! If you want to carry me, mommy long-legs, go ahead!

SOUND: DOOR OPENING.

BUDDY: Look, the drone! Go.

SOUND: ALL SOUNDS FADE.

Scene 2

VESPA (NARRATOR): Going into that drone without scanning ahead first didn’t feel great. The thing was about the size of one of those overpriced microstudio apartments in Uptown Hyperion. Just big enough for something to hide in and just small enough that once we were inside, there’d be nowhere to run.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Launch in three… two… one…

VESPA (NARRATOR): But Buddy was right. There was no time.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

VESPA (NARRATOR): We ran inside-

SOUND: DOOR CLOSING.

-and the door locked shut behind us.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Delivery commencing.

SOUND: PANTING. 

VESPA: (OUT OF BREATH) Finally. God, I need breakfast.

BUDDY: (OUT OF BREATH) I could do with that mimosa myself, darling. Overall, though, I’d say things couldn’t have gone smoother.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING.

ENGSTROM: And I would have to agree.

VESPA: Great. You just had to say it.

BUDDY: Oh, how is this my fault somehow?

SOUND: WEAPON COCKING.

VALENCIA: Hands up, Rose. I wouldn’t want to show you what my gun could do to your friend here.

BUDDY: You’ve been waiting for us here, haven’t you.

ENGSTROM: Indeed. Ever since we sent in your wake-up call this morning. I’d hoped she’d be able to bring you in without all this trouble, but- I suppose we can sort out the trouble now. Valencia, please kill Detective Ilkay.

VALENCIA: I would love to.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. 

Out of the way, Rose.

BUDDY: If you so much as singe a single hair on her head, I’ll never tell you how to stop that train, and then where would you be? It’d be deliciously ironic, I think, to be trapped forever on the train you’ve sought so long.

ENGSTROM: Fine. Then she lives. So long as you cooperate. We’ll board that train, you’ll show us how to stop it, and then we’ll take what we want. Starting with whatever draws you to it so forcefully. (LAUGHS)

SOUND: BRIEF PAUSE; ALL SOUNDS FADE. 

SOUND: LIGHT BEEPING; FOOTSTEPS.

ENGSTROM: Last stop: the Utgard Express. Watch your step, ladies.

VESPA: Ow. You know, one of the main features of a blaster is that you don’t need to wedge it into someone’s spine to make it work, right?

VALENCIA: Of course I don’t need to, hun- I just like to. Consider it a note from my chiropractor. Walk faster.

VESPA: Ow!

ENGSTROM: The first of the vaults should be just through this door. Valencia, the master key, please.

SOUND: AN OBJECT CHANGING HANDS.

Thank you.

SOUND: HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING.

And now, at last.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING; CONTINUED LIGHT BEEPING IN BACKGROUND.

Yes, this is it!

VESPA (NARRATOR): Engstrom’s eyes went so wide I thought they might crack open his skull. I could see why- the shelves sparkled like a Vixen’s throwup on a Friday night.

It was pretty enough, but a bit rich for my blood.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

ENGSTROM: My god, look at all this! The Empire’s Crown, the Sunken Treasure of the Atlantis Probe, the Vulcan Sapphire?! (LAUGHS) They were supposed to be lost, every last one of them lost, and here they are.

BUDDY: So we’ve heard.

ENGSTROM: Well. Rose. I think it’s about time you show what you can do. You’ve claimed you can stop this train- now you’ll have to show us how it’s done.

BUDDY: You want to stop the Utgard Express now? (LAUGHS)

My, you’ll have to excuse me. It’s just such a relief, you understand. I was worried for a moment that you actually knew what you were doing!

ENGSTROM: Don’t get smug yet, Rose. I know just as well as you do that the most valuable of the Utgard’s possessions must lie deeper within the train. But I also know that giving you any more time than necessary is… dangerous.

And so, you will not stop the train right now, but you will explain how it can be stopped. Or else…

VESPA: (CUTTING HIM OFF TIREDLY) We know. Or else what, it’s always the same. You’ll kill me. You really don’t have to-

SOUND: WEAPON COCKING.

-hey, what did I say about the blaster.

BUDDY: Well. (SIGHS) If you insist.

VALENCIA: Take your hand away from that pocket, Rose.

ENGSTROM: If you have something in there, Valencia will remove it for you.

BUDDY: I would really rather she-

SOUND: RUSTLING.

Really! At least Detective Ilkay treated me to a drink first. You’re looking for a small rectangular object with round buttons- be careful not to press them, darling.

VALENCIA: Is this what you mean?

BUDDY: Of course.

ENGSTROM: How does it work?

BUDDY: Don’t you know, Brock? You’ve spent years upon years studying the Utgard Express. The trick isn’t to stop the train, no. You have to stop the tracks.

VESPA: Huh?

ENGSTROM: Any vehicle which moves by magnetic force is moved not only by itself, but by the magnetic thrust of its tracks. So if you interfere with the tracks… hmm. Go on.

BUDDY: In preparation for our little game, I went out to the route of the Utgard Express and placed a small device there. A cutting-edge electromagnet, which, as the train passed, attached itself to the train’s underside; when you press that little button there, it will release an electromagnetic field strong enough to block the repellant force of the train’s tracks.

ENGSTROM: There’s no magnet strong enough.

BUDDY: (CHARMING LITTLE LAUGH) None that you know of, certainly. But I live in a world of things you don’t know, Brock Engstrom.

ENGSTROM: Not for long, Rose. Not for long. But how can we be certain this will work?

BUDDY: If you’d like to test it- that light glows when it comes within range of the magnetic jammer. The radius of effect is rather small, however- you might have to get quite low to see it.

SOUND: CLICKING.

VALENCIA: Some device, Rose. It doesn’t even register on the floor.

BUDDY: Why don’t you hand it to me, then, if you’re having so much trouble?

ENGSTROM: We’ll handle this, I think. Valencia, there’s a crawl space beneath that shelf. Check to see if the device picks up anything down there. And if Mr. Rose tries anything, Detective Ilkay will pay for it.

VESPA: (SIGHING) What else is new?

SOUND: SHUFFLING IN THE BACKGROUND.

BUDDY: Vespa, a word?

VESPA: Take a couple. You’ve earned ‘em this time.

BUDDY: Rude again, but I’ll forgive you.

I know you put your trust in me and in the RUBY7, and I’m sorry to have disappointed you by having to leave her behind. I certainly hope to make it up to you- if you’ll give me the opportunity.

VESPA: Yeah. When, exactly?

ENGSTROM: (WARNING) That’s enough.

BUDDY: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Oh, right about… now.

SOUND: HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING, SCREAMING. 

BUDDY: Hold on!

SOUND: GENERAL CHAOS.

ENGSTROM: Valencia! What’s happening?

VALENCIA: I’m stuck down here!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

ENGSTROM: (FROM FAR AWAY) Ow! They’re getting away!

SOUND: PANTING; FOOTSTEPS.

BUDDY: (OUT OF BREATH) In here!

SOUND: DOOR.

VESPA: (OUT OF BREATH) There’s no room!

BUDDY: You’ll just have to make room!

VESPA: Kinda tight-

BUDDY: Shhh!

SOUND: HEAVY BREATHING.

There. I think we’re safe. Well, as safe as can be expected, given the circumstances.

VESPA: (SNEEZE) Right. What the hell was that?

BUDDY: Oh, just precisely what I promised, Detective. I demonstrated how to stop the train. I only pulsed the break, so the security team should be none the wiser.

VESPA: You can’t be that stupid. You’re telling me you left the brake with Engstrom?

BUDDY: What brake?

(PAUSES, THEN, SMILING BECAUSE IT’S ALL JUST FOR DRAMATIC FLAIR) Oh, you mean that little thing Valencia took out of my pocket? No, no, that’s the television remote from our room. The real brake is hidden in my cufflink.

VESPA: You… you put that remote there on purpose, didn’t you? You planned all of this out.

BUDDY: Yes.

VESPA: Oh, cut the crap, there’s no way-

BUDDY: You can’t prove it otherwise, Detective, no matter how much you may try to convince me I didn’t just shove that remote in my pocket on a whim.

Besides, it would have been even more satisfying if I didn’t have to “pull out all the stops”, as it were, for just one of my contingency plans, but we can’t always get what we want, now, can we?

VESPA: Ah. Figures.

BUDDY: Well, here we are. It’s worked so far.

VESPA: Yeah. I guess it did. Would’ve been better if I knew but-

BUDDY: We aren’t off the train yet. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

We’ve been disarmed, and what’s worse, Engstrom knows this train well. It’ll be easy for him to lay a trap if we take him on directly.

VESPA: So we just sneak around, and let him take whatever he wants?

BUDDY: If Engstrom doesn’t know when the train’s going to stop, he can’t plan his getaway. Ours, however, is accounted for.

If we manage to avoid them long enough to get the Egg, we should be able to stop the train, drive off into the sunset, and let Utgard security handle Engstrom.

VESPA: The train’s one big straight hallway, Buddy.

BUDDY: Oh, did you think we’d be using it? No, no. We’ll be making our own. Now if I can just find that cutter…

SOUND: SHUFFLING.

VESPA: Ow. Hey, watch it!

BUDDY: There isn’t much room in here, Vespa- don’t flatter yourself.

VESPA: Flatter myself? You can’t just elbow a gal in the-

BUDDY: Oh, keep yourself busy, would you? You ought to arm yourself. I do admire your aim with a knife but I think bringing one to a gunfight is incredibly impractical. There must be something you can use on these shelves.

VESPA: Speak for yourself. I’ve taken out plenty of idiots who shared that sentiment. They never see it coming.

SOUND: SHINK! OF A KNIFE.

SOUND: METAL BANGING. 

BUDDY: Oh! I suppose I shouldn’t have assumed. Thank you, darling.

SOUND: BUDDY TAKING THE KNIFE.

VESPA: I didn’t take it out for you. What do you even need it for?

SOUND: CUTTING.

BUDDY: The Utgard Express’ defenses are in its speed, Vespa, not its durability. If you want to make something move quickly, you trade away weight. Therefore, we should be able to travel quite freely through the hollow spaces here.

SOUND: BOOM. 

There we are.

VESPA: (SIGH) Finally. Get in there, I can feel a sneeze coming on.

SOUND: BUDDY FINISHES CUTTING.

Huh. Not bad, Aurinko.

BUDDY: (DRILY) Another glowing review from Detective Ilkay. Really, you’re making me blush.

SOUND: THEY SQUEEZE THROUGH THE DOORWAY. FOOTSTEPS ON METAL.

VESPA: (AFTER A MOMENT OF WALKING IN SILENCE) So.

BUDDY: Something on your mind, darling?

VESPA: (SCOFF) Not like you can’t just read it, anyway-

BUDDY: Vespa, please. You know I wouldn’t.

VESPA: (NOT CONVINCED) Sure. But anyway, I’ve been wondering. About the-

BUDDY: A dangerous thing for a detective, wondering.

VESPA: Can you just- let me finish? If you’re gonna get pissed when I cut you off, the least you could do is- (SIGH) whatever.

What the hell are we going to do with it? The weapon, I mean.

BUDDY: We’re taking it to a contact of mine in the Cerberus Province who just so happens to be an expert in tricky technological tasks such as disabling Martian superweapons.

VESPA: (BEAT) That’s it? You’re not gonna… I don’t know, talk circles around me and completely avoid answering the question?

BUDDY: No. Why, would you like me to?

VESPA: Hell no, I- I guess I just thought-

BUDDY: (IS FUCKING WITH HER) Because rest assured, darling, I am more than capable of expositing a thousand and one tiny little details that have absolutely nothing to do with-

VESPA: (IN A RUSH) Just. Thanks, Bud. Appreciate the honesty.

SOUND: ALL SOUNDS FADE.

Scene 3

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. 

VESPA (NARRATOR): We kept walking that way for a while in silence, carving a tunnel through the storage rooms. I couldn’t stop thinking about what she told me. One of the first things she’s told me about any of her plans.

The Cerberus Province. Closest thing to an illegal port in the inner Solar System where the only goods that came out were desperate and scared people— a market thriving in the shadows of nine Martian volcanoes.

It was one way to get into Sol. And with the War over, it was the only way to enter Sol unless you had the creds for it.

And we were bringing the weapon there? Enough power to wipe an entire civilization off the planet, and Buddy wanted to deliver it to a trade city where it could end up anywhere.

What the hell was she really planning?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

BUDDY: This is the end of the line. We’ll have to cut through the main hall quickly to make it to the final chamber- are you ready?

SOUND: CUTTING.

VESPA: Yeah. Sure. Fine.

SOUND: CUTTING CONTINUES.

BUDDY: Careful in here, Vespa. This room is dangerous.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

VESPA: No shit. All of those things on the shelves- bombs?

BUDDY: Not all of them. That would be a bit overkill, I think- no, some are missiles, torpedoes, chemical weaponry and… there we are. The door to the final chamber.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING.

VESPA: No sign of ‘em.

BUDDY: Then it can only be a trap. Stay close.

VESPA: Got it.

BUDDY: It looks like everything’s-

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES WITH A BANG. 

VESPA: The hell?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

BUDDY: (WHISPER) Shh! Hide.

VALENCIA: (LAUGHTER)

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, LAUGHTER CONTINUES.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Her voice echoed through the room, skidding over shelves and bouncing off bombs. The gray light cast shifting shadows over everything.

She could have been anywhere. It felt like she was everywhere.

She’d be an idiot to fire a shot in here. One stray laser and she could set off enough explosives to crack Mars like an egg.

Damn, I was hungry.

I had to hide.

VALENCIA: I know you’re in here. I don’t care which one. If you’re worried I’ll shoot, you have every right to.

But bullets aren’t all I have to offer. Come out, come out wherever you are…

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS CONTINUING. 

VESPA (NARRATOR): That door. We needed to get to that door without her noticing. I couldn’t see where Buddy was, but I had to trust that she’d get there eventually.

I crept by as fast as I could without getting noticed, weary that Valencia would be behind any corner.

VALENCIA: Maybe after this is all over, I’ll go after that little buddy of yours. What’s his name, again?

BUDDY: Buddy? You flatter me, darling, but Jet Sikuliaq and I aren’t very close. Doctor Ilkay says I’m ‘naturally unpleasant.’ Whether or not that’s an official diagnosis, I’ve yet to receive a clear answer.

VALENCIA: Oh, Rose!

Ilkay then, not your friend, I take? But when I see the way you look at her- it makes me think you two must be… ‘friendly.’

VESPA: (UNDER HER BREATH) What the hell is she doing? And what’s that supposed to mean?

BUDDY: (FURTHER AWAY) Oh, that? That’s professionalism, darling, I don’t think you’ve heard of it. It’s all the rage among thieves these days, but you and Brock are such old souls—

VESPA (NARRATOR): She— If she just said she was going to be the distraction—

No. Get over it. Keep moving, Vee.

VALENCIA: (SCOFFS) You think Brock and I have worked with each other for that long? Please.

You and Ilkay though…

SOUND: WEAPON COCKING; FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE. 

BUDDY: Oh, this is our second date.

VALENCIA: Second date… and you’re already playing newlyweds? But you’re not friends.

VESPA: (HISSED) What is this conversation?

BUDDY: It’s complicated, I doubt you’d get it. Nor do I particularly want to get into it with you. We’re not exactly close, after all.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

VALENCIA: (HUMS) You sound very close right now. Where are you hiding…

VESPA (NARRATOR): I was at the door. If Valencia wasn’t looking, all I had to do was open it and slip out.

It’d give Buddy enough time to get out of hiding and shoot her, if Valencia was too busy looking at me.

(GROANS) You’d think this’ll be easier with Buddy being able to read my damn mind but she— she won’t—

VALENCIA: Can I just ask, from one woman to another: the RUBY7?

(LAUGHS) Did you target Engstrom specifically for that? Because that’d actually be a bit funny.

BUDDY: Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?

VESPA: (WHISPER) Oh, fuck. Don’t—

VALENCIA: I have nothing going for me after this stint with Engstrom. All I really need is to kill you, Aurinko.

VESPA: (WHISPER) No…

VESPA (NARRATOR): I stood up and hit the panel.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

Valencia was at the end of the hall. Was Buddy over there? I sat back down.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT. HISSING.

VALENCIA: Damn-! Missed.

BUDDY: (COUGH COUGH) Not much of a sharpshooter, are you? Dull shooting and dull conversation, well.

VESPA: (WHISPER) What is— Get out, you idiot! 

VALENCIA: You’re at your sell-by date, thief!

BUDDY: Oh, darling. But it seems that yours has already passed.

This- (COUGH) This is how it’s done.

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT. THUD.

BUDDY: (COUGHING AGGRESSIVELY) Could you help me with this, Vespa?

VESPA: What are you doing? Just get out of there!

BUDDY: (STRAINED) Not without Valencia.

VESPA: If you keep her alive, she’s just going to kill us later!

BUDDY: (FIRMLY) I am not. (COUGH) Leaving her here. So you either— help me or—

VESPA: (GROANS) Fine!

SOUND: TRUDGING FOOTSTEPS.

But you have to stop fucking talking or I’m going to have to drag both of you out there. And try not to breathe in too much.

SOUND: DRAGGING. BUDDY AND VESPA STRUGGLING. BUDDY COUGHING.

SOUND: THUDS. DOOR CLOSING. GASPING FOR AIR.

VESPA: (SMILING) That. Was incredibly stupid and reckless.

BUDDY: (BREATHLESS) Found a file on me, have you? Those are my middle names. Buddy ‘Stupid’ (COUGH) and ‘Reckless’ Aurinko, I’ll have to decide which one to drop when I take yours too.

VESPA: (CLEARS THROAT) (STILL SMILING, BUT FIRST AID MODE ACTIVATED) Okay. Alright. Follow my finger. (BEAT) This is clearly the lack of oxygen talking. I’m just going to save you the embarrassment and ignore anything you’re saying.

Just. We’re gonna take a moment, and then we’re going after that stupid weapon, and then we’re going to— Hell, I dunno whatever your plans are, you might not even be destroying the damn thing.

BUDDY: (POUTING) Oh, you’re no fun.

VESPA: (STILL SMILING, GOD I THINK THIS IS THE LONGEST SHE’S SMILED IN ANY SCENE EVER) You literally almost died in there, Buddy. I’ll be plenty fun when you quit doing that.

BUDDY: (NOT EXPECTING VESPA TO FLIRT BACK??? BRUH) _Well_. I’ll take note of that.

But if you’d rather write me one yourself, Doctor, that’d be wonderful too—

VESPA: (LAUGHS)

BUDDY: (BEAT, EXHALE [OH GOD, I’M IN LOVE WITH HER]) I believe I’m fine now, Detective.

SOUND: DING, DOOR OPENING, FOOTSTEPS. 

ENGSTROM: (IN THE DISTANCE) Any moment now, Valencia will come through that door, and-

SOUND: DOOR OPENING.

Valencia! It’s about time. Get over here and help me immediately.

BUDDY: Well, Brock, the good news is that Valencia did come through this door. The bad news is that I doubt she’ll be much help to you in the state I’ve left her in.

SOUND: VALENCIA THUDS TO THE GROUND WHERE BUDDY DROPS HER.

ENGSTROM: No.

BUDDY: Oh yes, I’m afraid. Or rather, you should be.

SOUND: SHINK! OF A KNIFE. FABRIC RUSTLING, STRUGGLE.

VESPA (NARRATOR): And just like that, Buddy had Engstrom pinned at the wall.

With my knife.

Now was definitely not the time for me to notice it, but when Buddy Aurinko grins back at you like that, teeth glinting like the blade she’d stolen right out of your pocket, lips and hair red like the blood she’d bartered to get onto this stupid train in the first place-

What the hell was I doing here?

BUDDY: Now, you’re going to promise to take your little bodyguard and never be seen this side of the Martian desert ever again, do you understand me?

ENGSTROM: (WINCE OF PAIN- BUDDY JUST PRESSED THE KNIFE CLOSER)

BUDDY: And careful, darling. I don’t like to repeat myself.

ENGSTROM: Y-yes! I understand! Just—

SOUND: IMPACT; GRUNT; BODY FALLS. 

BUDDY: Phew! All in a day’s work, as they say.

VESPA: Do you have anything to tie them up with? Leaving them all scattered is making me feel a little—

BUDDY: Guilty?

VESPA: Unsafe. They can wake up and knock you or me out any time.

BUDDY: Oh, don’t be so paranoid—

VESPA: It pays to be. I have to be. Because there are already too many moving parts to this that I don’t know about, alright? I can—

BUDDY: Vespa, what—

VESPA: (STEADYING BREATH) I can take you not wanting to leave them for dead. I can take you not telling me any of your fucking plans, no matter how much it pisses me off. But I refuse to be sloppy just because you’re getting complacent.

BUDDY: (PAUSES) Of course. I… But I’m afraid I don’t have anything to—

SOUND: CLOTHES RIPPING. SOMETHING BEING DRAGGED.

Vespa! That jacket was a Helena!

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I didn’t care. And- ugh, it wasn’t even that I didn’t care, it was that it didn’t make any sense, and she wasn’t even telling me why she was choosing to leave them behind.

I get it, you want to save the entire planet from genocide, but sparing these people now didn’t guarantee they wouldn’t just bite it later. Chances were they’d get arrested by the Utgard security and live out the rest of their days in some prison a few asteroids away.

There are some things worse than death, after all. And if giving Valencia and Engstrom the chance to lie their way out of a life sentence was going to help that, then so be it.

Twelve years in med school and even more in a few shitty hospitals’ll teach you that. Hell, just growing up as a Outer Rim refugee in Hyperion was enough to teach you that. Not everyone survives, not everyone makes it out. And there was no way we were going to save Mars from this without dropping a few bodies along the way.

But it didn’t seem like Buddy had thought of that, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to stand there lecturing her.

VESPA: (DEEP SIGH) Let’s just get outta here. I’m hungry.

BUDDY: Aren’t you forgetting something?

VESPA: (SNAPPED) What, a couple words for the dearly departed over here?

BUDDY: The weapon. (PAUSES) Are we alright?

VESPA: (EXHAUSTED) Yeah. Probably. (DEEP BREATH) Let’s just grab the thing and go, okay?

BUDDY: … If you insist.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. 

If I’m not mistaken, this is what we’re looking for.

SOUND: DING. 

The Egg of Purus, registered by the central government of Olympus Mons. The clasps should be right… here.

SOUND: SHORT WHOOSH.

And… there it is.

VESPA: Doesn’t look like much.

BUDDY: What, you’d prefer it sunny side up with a side of toast?

VESPA: (GROANS) Stoooooop. I’m so hungry.

SOUND: CLICK.

BUDDY: (CHARMING YET FOND LITTLE LAUGH) There. Sealed.

SOUND: BEEPING. 

This will call the RUBY7. And then… the train. Brace yourself, Vespa.

SOUND: CLICK.

VESPA (NARRATOR): It hit us like… (PAUSES) Well, a freight train.

SOUND: SUDDEN LOUD RUMBLING, CRASHING. 

VESPA: (SHOUTING) Whoa!

BUDDY: (SHOUTING OVER THE NOISE) Grab onto me, Vespa! Once the train comes to a stop, I’ll carve a hole in the wall. Get ready!

SOUND: SCRAPING, RUMBLING CONTINUES. 

BUDDY: Oof!

VESPA: (OUT OF BREATH) I want off this hell ride. Get off me.

BUDDY: Tetchy.

Grab the box and let’s go. The RUBY7 should be waiting for us.

SOUND: CUTTING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): (SPEAKING OVER THE CUTTING SOUNDS) It took me a while to find my feet, and a while longer for my feet to find the floor. I had won a game, stopped a train, been rolled halfway across Mars-

And I still hadn’t had breakfast.

I picked up the case and started walking.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, WIND.

BUDDY: Hurry up, Vespa. The security team will be here any second now.

VESPA: (OUT OF BREATH) The hell is this egg made out of? Titanium chickens?

BUDDY: The RUBY7 should be-

VESPA: Yeah? (PAUSES) Buddy, you okay?

SOUND: SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE.

BUDDY: It- Vespa, she’s—

VESPA: What?

VESPA (NARRATOR): I’d seen Buddy Aurinko lose her composure before— more towards anger and hysterics than anything else, but I’d never seen her like this, brows furrowed in fear, uncertainty tinged with permanence.

I don’t know what came over me— the exhaustion, the weariness, the hunger, whatever— I don’t think it mattered all that much, in the end.

I just wanted to get rid of it.

BUDDY: I can hear her. Miasma—

VESPA:

She’s here?! Your eye— Wait, shit! The Egg!

BUDDY: Vespa, I need you to listen to me very carefully. I’m going to be very frank and very brief because I cannot emphasize how little time we have.

I… (HALTINGLY) So far, I’ve prepared contingency after contingency after every plan that we— that I had. (GETTING INCREASINGLY PANICKED) But loathe as I am to admit it, I am only human and I have just ran out of options. If she finds me, Vespa, she’ll… The pill, she’ll—

VESPA: (CALMING HER) Okay, okay. Do you trust me.

BUDDY: (WITHOUT HESITATION) Yes.

VESPA: Then… (FRUSTRATED SIGH) We need to make sure neither of us dies when she gets here, so we’re not splitting up

If she wants the pill from you, she can’t kill you. You’ve been bleeding every time you’ve used it too much and that means if you die, it dies with you. Alright?

BUDDY: Yes.

VESPA: We’ll let her capture us, but once we’re in— You’ll have to trust me. I’ll—

SOUND: LOUD BOOMING; SIRENS CONTINUING IN DISTANCE. 

BUDDY: That was… faster than expected.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I’ll get us out. I wanted to tell her that. I wanted to tell her that I’ll figure it out and we’ll be fine.

(SCOLDING HERSELF) I couldn’t guarantee any of that. What the hell was I thinking?

But I wanted to.

Seeing the set of her shoulder straighten again, against her big mean boss, putting on a brave smile—

I needed to.

SOUND: CAR SPEEDING IN THE DISTANCE.

SOUND: ALL FALLS QUIET EXCEPT THE WIND. 

VOICE: Hello, detective. Buddy Aurinko. You two look like you could use a ride.

BUDDY: Miasma.

MIASMA: Indeed.

Get in the car, ladies.

VESPA: Sorry, lady, but you’re not taking me to a secondary location.

MIASMA: (DOESN’T THINK SHE’S FUNNY) Funny. Assistants-

SOUNDS: WEAPONS COCKING. 

VESPA (NARRATOR): The three masked lackeys loaded into that car all brought out their guns. And they were all pointed at Buddy.

BUDDY: Well. This hardly seems equitable.

MIASMA: Detective- drop the crate. Aurinko, get in the car. Now. (BEAT, MORE FORCEFULLY) Get. In. The car.

SOUND: THE WIND CONTINUES.

VESPA: Bud, get in the car. (BEAT) Please?

BUDDY: (CRY OF PAIN)

VESPA: Buddy! Stop it, your eye’s already bleeding!

MIASMA: That’s enough! Grab her and kill the detective.

VESPA: (STRUGGLING) No! If you even think of touching her, I’ll–

SOUND: WEAPON COCKING. BLASTER HIGH-PITCHED WHINING.

BUDDY: No, I’ll handle this, Detective. Try anything… (DEEP BREATH) And this laser will go straight through my brain.

MIASMA: (BEAT) And why should I care where you put your lasers, Buddy Aurinko?

BUDDY: Because you need me. And that puts you in quite a bind, Miasma.

MIASMA: (BEAT) Fine. The detective lives. But she comes with us.

BUDDY: (FIRM BUT LOSING GROUND) No, that is not the deal here.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I gave her a glance. “Are you sure?” I wanted to ask. The way she went about this, the threat to shoot herself— I knew we were faking but I—

(BEAT) She nodded. Even something as small as a nod from Buddy Aurinko spoke a thousand words. “I’m sure,” it said. “We’ll be able to do this.”

“ _I trust you._ ”

Effortlessly. Like I’d earned it.

MIASMA: Don’t overestimate your value- there are other ways to get what I want from you. I would rather this be easy, but the moment you cause more trouble than you’re worth, the detective dies.

Load the egg. And keep your guns on the detective at all times. We’re leaving.

SOUND: CAR DOORS OPENING, FOOTSTEPS ON SAND, CAR DOORS CLOSING. 

VESPA (NARRATOR): As the RUBY7 hummed across Mars, Buddy flinched beside me again. There were three blasters aimed at us, but I didn’t care. All I could care about was how much this was hurting her.

BUDDY: (SOFT GASP OF PAIN)

VESPA: (WHISPERED) Bud? Just- just try not to use it, okay? Tilt your head back, that’s it-

MIASMA: Quiet.

SOUND: GUN COCKS.

VESPA (NARRATOR): And as we sat there in silence, Buddy Aurinko gasping and bleeding beside me, Miasma’s goons ready to lay their entire laser carts into us if we so much as breathed funny, my hunger-delirious brain couldn’t stop thinking:

Everybody thinks of stars as this constant thing.

Take the sun, for example. Energy, heat, light, warmth. We need it, plants need it, hell, swamp oysters too. Things just exist and depend entirely on it without thinking that one day— one day, it’ll just be gone, taking everything with it.

I don’t get how we trust that, is my point. How something as small and needy and clueless as a goddamn plant keeps straining towards every pathetic millimeter of light the sun gives it.

It’s not easy to just give into blind faith like that.

Not like a plant trusts the sun to shine every morning, and sure as hell not like Buddy Aurinko trusted me.

MUSIC: STARTS.

BUDDY: (STRAINED, BUT SMILING; LIKE SHE’S PLAYING BRAVE) Cheer up, Detective. We’ve stolen the weapon once- we merely need to steal it again. It may seem impossible now, without a plan, but… it hasn’t stopped us before.

VESPA (NARRATOR): It hadn’t. Not yet.

And goddammit, I wished it never would. I wished we could keep doing this for as long as we felt like - conning Engstroms and stopping Valencias, running just ahead of the impossible. I wanted to outrun the end of the world with her because finally- I trusted Buddy Aurinko.

And I wanted to keep trusting her. Every day for the rest of my life, like a needy, _clueless thing._ (PAUSE) Even though odds were a thousand to one that by this time tomorrow, she’d be dead and bring me with her.

MIASMA: There it is. Your final resting place.

VESPA (NARRATOR): An ancient Martian tomb on the horizon. Tall spires, a jagged, twisting mouth at the heart of the dry, dry desert.

The final resting place- for me, Buddy, probably all of Mars.

BUDDY: Vespa.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Her hand touched mine.

BUDDY: We’ll make it through. I know we will.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I strained towards her, looked up into those dark eyes and the cutting teeth of her red, red smile, and suddenly- I knew too.

The spires grew taller, the mouth closer- and then it swallowed us whole.

SOUND: ALL SOUNDS FADE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very special and gracious shout-out to our liveread cast, who played the following roles in this part:  
> \- [Danny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goinghost) as Vespa Ilkay;  
> \- [Jeannette](https://archiveofourown.org/users/entropyre) as Buddy Aurinko;  
> \- [Gab](https://twitter.com/navyblueart) as Valencia;  
> \- [SJ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubborn_jerk) as Brock Engstrom, and other voices;  
> \- [Peter](https://twitter.com/vampfatale) as Miasma; and  
> \- [Sameer](https://twitter.com/mangocltrus) as the RUBY7 and other voices.
> 
> And a big thank you to our liveread audience: [Ezra](https://sugarboi.tumblr.com/), [Nova](https://inlovewithbuddyaurinko.tumblr.com), Sage, [Sameer](https://twitter.com/mangocltrus), [Stes](https://twitter.com/homeostesis), [Peter](https://twitter.com/vampfatale), and [Vo](https://twitter.com/starbuckodinson).
> 
> Their performances and live reactions made the writing of this script worth it. Please click [here](https://northisnotup.tumblr.com/post/638782468741300226) and consider joining the Trans Nureyev Agenda server, where we host these livereads every now and then.
> 
> Otherwise, thank you for reading through and please, _please_ consider leaving us a comment of some sort as it would be _greatly_ appreciated. We cannot stress enough how much time and effort we've invested into this project.


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